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View Full Version : Looks like my wife has started smoking cigarettes again


Raygun Gothic
05-14-2012, 03:47 PM
Bit of background; when we got married 6 years ago she smoked cigarettes. I was a very heavy smoker. She quit right after we got married and insisted I do the same. It took quite a while but 3 years ago I managed to stop and have been 100% smoke free since.

Anyway, it appears she's started back up again. I found a receipt for two packs and a lighter in her purse and she keeps disappearing outside.

I am at a loss as I am usually the one who gets caught sneaking around doing something I shouldn't. :D

Poll coming, opinions are welcome.

Raygun Gothic
05-14-2012, 03:50 PM
Forgot to subscribe!

2HBStrat
05-14-2012, 03:52 PM
I'm not wishing you bad luck, but when my ex started smoking again, it wasn't the ONLY thing she started doing. Just sayin'....

earthlydescent
05-14-2012, 03:52 PM
You need a Les Paul...

19181911
05-14-2012, 03:55 PM
New guitar... and smoke free environment.

tiktok
05-14-2012, 03:56 PM
Living with a drug addict is always a problem.

russ
05-14-2012, 03:59 PM
I would think she would be concerned if the shoe was on the other foot.
This should be discussed......

stevieboy
05-14-2012, 04:01 PM
It seems like the smell when she comes back in would be more than enough to let you know.

But regardless of that, you quit because she insisted. I'd say the subject of not smoking for the common good has already been introduced into the marriage (for the good of both of you, IMO, but that's for you to decide.) And introduced by her. So if you think you'd both be better off without smoking (and I'm not saying one way or another that you have to feel that way) I'd say you have the precedent and the right to pursue it.

muffinMan74
05-14-2012, 04:01 PM
I started smoking at age 19, met my wife at 27 and got married within a year, she gave me 10 years to quit. At age 35 I finally managed to quit and stayed quit for 2 years, then last summer she asked me to start smoking again as I was still very agitated and grumpy. She attributed it to stress + lack of nicotine to deal with it; I attributed it to some other elements in the family dynamic that I won't get into here. Suffice to say, I've been smoking again for the last year, and the overall situation, while still pretty far from ideal, is smoother now. Should I have stayed quit, and gotten marriage counseling/medication for depression? Quite possibly. The short version is: IMHO smoking is pretty low on the list of problems in the world, and your wife may benefit from some understanding and help instead of condemnation.

pickleweed
05-14-2012, 04:03 PM
moreover, if you intend on remaining smoke free, you should approach her. nothings harder than staying on the clean and narrow when people are doing it around you.

Raygun Gothic
05-14-2012, 04:04 PM
It seems like the smell when she comes back in would be more than enough to let you know.


Yeah, there's that too. Although it's a bit hard for me to pick up on since I smoked for so many years. My sense of smell is ruined.

Timcito
05-14-2012, 04:11 PM
Yes, you're in this together and it needs discussing. There are a number of negative repercussions, already mentioned, that could result from her rekindling this habit.

Jerrod
05-14-2012, 04:14 PM
...IMHO smoking is pretty low on the list of problems in the world...

Yeah, it's not like it's gonna kill you.

jcmark611
05-14-2012, 04:24 PM
One night when you get to pick the movie to watch, make it one with lots and lots of smoking. Then says, "Wow, there sure is a lot of smoking in this movie. Don't you think there is a lot of smoking in this movie?"

Then wait a few minutes, "I never realized how much smoking there is in this movie. Guess you notice that stuff when you quit smoking, right honey?"

Wait a few more minutes, "Now it's just getting out of hand. How horrible there is all this smoking in the movie. It's ruined it for me. How can you watch the people kill themselves?"

Eventually she'll crack.

chrisgraff
05-14-2012, 04:28 PM
sCw_1yw4J_I

She might feel differently to find out how old she is on the inside.

Telomere test - $290 - spectracell labs (http://www.spectracell.com/webinar-telomere-testing-a-new-tool-for-age-management/)

harmonicator
05-14-2012, 04:32 PM
I am at a loss as I am usually the one who gets caught sneaking around doing something I shouldn't. :D



Her turn?

:dunno

DGDGBD
05-14-2012, 04:40 PM
I say confront her (but don't tell her you went though her pocket book).

AD_
05-14-2012, 04:54 PM
I voted "confront ASAP" but I didn't really mean confront as in stop her in her tracks and demand she stop. I would definitely bring it up, and find out what her take on the matter is.

I don't smoke, never have. Not cigarettes, anyway. I'll occasionally fire up a good cigar, but I have really even stopped doing that. Nicotine is non-addictive to me, I have tried them but they hold no real appeal to me. Being said, I really would rather be with someone who doesn't smell like smoke and have that cigarette smoker aura. That is my rathers. If my would-be wife/fiancee/significant other person started smoking, I wouldn't like it. I could handle an occasional smoke, but I definitely wouldn't like to live with someone who smoked a lot. A lot to me means six or more each day.

Not that it is any of my business, but why were you in her purse? That's like bad juju, you just don't do it. You find things you don't want to know about, and it doesn't ever do any good. I don't like to open a woman's purse even if they say "hey go get my [keys/checkbook/etc] out of my purse" I usually just bring the purse - even with "permission"

jimshine
05-14-2012, 05:01 PM
Yeah, there's that too. Although it's a bit hard for me to pick up on since I smoked for so many years. My sense of smell is ruined.

Really? I smoked for ten years, was up to two packs a day when I quit. I am so sensitive to it now I can tell when people are smoking in the car ahead of me.

neville5000
05-14-2012, 05:17 PM
I voted guilt trip, but in reality you should talk to her about it. Confront no, talk yes.

jekylmeister
05-14-2012, 05:21 PM
It's an addiction. I've lost count on the number of times i've quit, many months at a time. It will never go away.......... sucks.

Raygun Gothic
05-14-2012, 05:35 PM
One night when you get to pick the movie to watch, make it one with lots and lots of smoking. Then says, "Wow, there sure is a lot of smoking in this movie. Don't you think there is a lot of smoking in this movie?"

Then wait a few minutes, "I never realized how much smoking there is in this movie. Guess you notice that stuff when you quit smoking, right honey?"

Wait a few more minutes, "Now it's just getting out of hand. How horrible there is all this smoking in the movie. It's ruined it for me. How can you watch the people kill themselves?"

Eventually she'll crack.

Actually, I think watching Mad Men got her going again. So I don't think this would be a good idea.

PAF
05-14-2012, 05:37 PM
Really? I smoked for ten years, was up to two packs a day when I quit. I am so sensitive to it now I can tell when people are smoking in the car ahead of me.

every time I quit (currently attempting again) I get that way as well .. uber nose

Raygun Gothic
05-14-2012, 05:37 PM
Really? I smoked for ten years, was up to two packs a day when I quit. I am so sensitive to it now I can tell when people are smoking in the car ahead of me.

Yeah, well I was a 30 year, two pack a day man myself.

DavidG
05-14-2012, 05:39 PM
"Not that it is any of my business, but why were you in her purse"

I remember the time I went into my wife's purse once. Once. Lol, I learned my lesson quick. Good luck on the smoking problem; Any of you seen those new commercials on smoking?

Raygun Gothic
05-14-2012, 05:42 PM
Not that it is any of my business, but why were you in her purse? That's like bad juju, you just don't do it. You find things you don't want to know about, and it doesn't ever do any good. I don't like to open a woman's purse even if they say "hey go get my [keys/checkbook/etc] out of my purse" I usually just bring the purse - even with "permission"

To set the record straight: It was a purse that she wasn't using at that moment and I was in there looking for another receipt for her. She wasn't even in the house at that time, but had called and asked me to look for it.

Los Angeles
05-14-2012, 05:50 PM
I'd say confront her but only in the most supportive way possible. A return to smoking might be a sign of stress or unhappiness. It's possible that smoking is only a symptom of a much larger issue.

If you can't work this out one-on-one, then consider working it out it the presence of a counselor.

Best of luck!

Smoking is a really tough addiction, and relapses are common, but almost always triggered by something. A need to feel young again? A need for more breaks at work? Who knows, but something might be 'up' and whatever it is, she needs to feel like you've got her back.

nchesher
05-14-2012, 05:50 PM
I don't think you need to "confront" her but there's no reason why you shouldn't ask her to be up front about it like an adult. I did the whole smoking behind the back of my wife and it always felt like I was lying and cheating which I was in a way. She should want to quit for herself...not for anyone else.

bluesdoc
05-14-2012, 05:58 PM
Talk to her more about you - your concerns vs her being bad.

As for it not being the biggest concern in the world, well..... it's just a HUGE contributor to the 4 top causes of death - heart disease, cancer, lower respiratory failure, and stroke. If it's not your concern now, it might get to be the center of your life sooner or later. Not that many people quit when fully informed. I mean, who doesn't know all that?? :jo It requires more of an addiction disease approach, as most here know. Serious damn disease which is insidious in its stealth and tenacity.

jon

evets618
05-14-2012, 06:00 PM
It's 'cause her boyfriend smokes, and she started bummin' them from him. Sorry, man.
The "receipt hunt" is a subtle way of letting you know it's time to wrap up.

coralreefer
05-14-2012, 06:59 PM
Nicotine is non-addictive to me...

:messedup

charveldan
05-14-2012, 08:20 PM
Buy a CS Historic Les Paul and guilt her into the stone age, afterall marriage is a partnership. :wave

jekylmeister
05-14-2012, 08:33 PM
Brothers, be gentle. I have snuck smokes for a long time. It doesn't mean anything more than that. Don't give the guy a paranoia attack. Geez.

frickengruvin
05-14-2012, 08:38 PM
You need to speak to her, not confront her, and be prepared that she may be taking on other habits (people) as well.
Drastic life changes such as these, that are 180 degrees the opposite direction of where she typically is, is a clear indicator that there are other "things" going on in her life.
My experience is not a 100% guarantee, but I've seen this type scenario come up many times, and 100% of those situations included an affair.
I sincerely hope this isn't the case with your situation. Best of luck...

Rattles
05-14-2012, 10:40 PM
It seems like the smell when she comes back in would be more than enough to let you know.

But regardless of that, you quit because she insisted. I'd say the subject of not smoking for the common good has already been introduced into the marriage (for the good of both of you, IMO, but that's for you to decide.) And introduced by her. So if you think you'd both be better off without smoking (and I'm not saying one way or another that you have to feel that way) I'd say you have the precedent and the right to pursue it.


When you kiss her, does she taste like an ole dirty ashtray?

Raygun Gothic
05-14-2012, 11:36 PM
It's 'cause her boyfriend smokes, and she started bummin' them from him. Sorry, man.
The "receipt hunt" is a subtle way of letting you know it's time to wrap up.

Yeah, guess you're right. Probably where the whole female trouble thing I've been getting lately comes from.

Gotta give her points though, going through with that hysterectomy later this summer to keep up the ruse!

Might be the way it is in your world, but not in mine.

Alka-Delics
05-14-2012, 11:47 PM
A mate of mine was a smoker before he got married. If he should dare start up again, his wife would have his head.

This always seems to be the case. Husband in the shits with wifey. Why can't it be the reverse?

I say confront her. Be super pissed off. Be hysterical. You are, of course, the man of the house, no? You are bigger, stronger, have a deeper, louder voice than your wife. Be a man, take control and punish her.

StompBoxBlues
05-15-2012, 02:31 AM
Yeah, there's that too. Although it's a bit hard for me to pick up on since I smoked for so many years. My sense of smell is ruined.


Really? Weird. I have smoked all my life (since I was a teen in the 70's) and when I have quit, even for 6 months or so, I'm super sensitive to the smell of smoke (not nec. bad, sometimes I like it sometimes not, but I definitely notice it). In fact sense of smell always gets more acute when I have quit.

How long do you think she has been smoking (did she ever totally quit?) and is there anything specially stressfull that happened that might have made her stress out? Any new friends that smoke also?

I would (not confront but..) talk with her about it. I'd make sure I was in the right mood too, not to get judgemental, etc. but asking why she is smoking again? How would she feel if you started again?

It needs to be talked about.

StompBoxBlues
05-15-2012, 02:37 AM
It's 'cause her boyfriend smokes, and she started bummin' them from him. Sorry, man.
The "receipt hunt" is a subtle way of letting you know it's time to wrap up.


What kind of person are you? Why in the world would you (and some others here) write that kind of thing? This is a real person here that asked for advice. You act like your'e giving advice in Sim City character or something. That there would be no consequences. This is a human being, and you decide to make a snap, ignorant (since you don't know any more than that little tidbit of information) judgement that could have (didn't luckily) sown doubt, ruined a relationship. Based on nothing.

Think about this, what if (I'm not even hinting he is, this is just hypothetical) the OP was a super-jealous rageaholic, and you putting this little idea in his head, on no proof, got him nuts, to where he beat or even killed his wife? Who had done
no such thing. Do you GET that you would have been responsible for setting that off? It's offensive.

It's called hopping to a conclusion, because you missed a LOT of steps in there.

You seem to be going by the old "your spouse changes something about themselves, starts working out, it MAY
be because of a lover!" Cosmo BS, idiotic. Guess what genius, sometimes people DO start working out, sometimes people DO fall back into bad habits, even without having an affair. Maybe it happened to you, but think a few milliseconds before you
post something that could really have bad consequences.

You're like Sherlock Holmes, minus the LOGIC. You don't infer on that little evidence something that monumental.

You just don't do it.

ghostdancer
05-15-2012, 03:00 AM
Yeah, guess you're right. Probably where the whole female trouble thing I've been getting lately comes from.

Gotta give her points though, going through with that hysterectomy later this summer to keep up the ruse!

Might be the way it is in your world, but not in mine.

from what you infer seems she is going through a huge amount of stress at the moment
not only is she having a major op, but the psychological trauma of the loss of her "womenhood" she will not be able to have kids anymore, this may hae a bearing on it
just gently ask her
in a non confrotational situation and/or manner, you know her better than any one !
no one here esp me has any idea whats she like, only you are the expert on her (or should be)
i will say however that she would know full well that you would find her cigarettes when you were looking for the reciept
so getting "caught" may be her subconciously asking for help (for what ever reason)
i am not an expert in any way shape or form

coreybox
05-15-2012, 06:23 AM
Nicely/lovingly confront her. Even if she refuses to quit, she shouldn't be hiding and sneaking around.

Flyin' Brian
05-15-2012, 06:38 AM
Has anyone here considered that stress due to upcoming surgery and other female issues may be the reason that she started smoking again and that the reason she's hiding it is because she's feeling ashamed at her own behavior, especially since she got you to quit?

Find a way to first find the truth and second to let her know that you know. Then offer her some help in beating it again. Many people have trouble with relapses when it comes to addictions. They're human. The immediate jump to her being sneaky, having an affair and all that other stuff is just nonsense.

Stonebandit
05-15-2012, 06:45 AM
What about trip to the Local GP of she feeling levels of anxiety.
low dose of Diazapam......? Either for you If you can't drag her in there.
And hey maybe a run in the park together to casually ask how have things generally been going.

Maybe a diner out with a close couple. Then she'd have to have a smoke outside 'alienating' a little from group dynamics.

Anyway some suggestions.

Hope they are of some help.

mwc2112
05-15-2012, 06:50 AM
I think Brian might be spot on. It sounds like this behavior might be stress-induced and maybe that's where the real issue lies. Maybe helping her deal with that now might help her deal with the smoking later on.

Tuberoast
05-15-2012, 07:49 AM
According to my sister-in-law, my brother has quit smoking, he does all his ''quitting'' out in the garage.
As far as the OP confronting his wife. A simple ''I smell cigarettes'' should suffice. My friends who smoke...smell like smoke. I wouldn't confront her in an overly assertive way, just let her know you smell it and she'll probably confess and tell you why.

blackba
05-15-2012, 07:50 AM
I would talk to her ASAP. Marriage is all about communication. My friend just died from throat cancer, I think the 2nd hand smoke from playing in bars for years got him.

StompBoxBlues
05-15-2012, 07:57 AM
The ''having an affair theory'' is probably just that and no more. According to my sister-in-law, my brother has quit smoking, he does all his ''quitting'' out in the garage.
As far as the OP confronting his wife. A simple ''I smell cigarettes'' should suffice. My friends who smoke...smell like smoke.

Yeah, that is quite a leap (the affair thing). I got a little hot about that because it really could do damage and is not indicated by "sneaking a cigarette".

I quit many times, and when I slid back, I hid it for a short while, because I didn't want the nagging, or to make a big deal and thought I could "just have a few now, keep on quitting" so I thought was just temporary.

It wasn't though. In the meantime, it has bad effects...the guilt the "ex smoker" has for sliding back, not to mention avoiding your partner a little more from fear they will smell the smoke on you, to making excuses to go out (away from them), etc. I wasn't cheating on my wife, but if some unthinking soul had planted that idea...

I really think with partners it is about the same as with children (of the age to be able to buy smokes) that you win nothing by forcing, guilting, etc. and making them hide it. For me after a short time, I realized I was smoking again, and just told my wife. She wasn't happy about it, but after telling me her worries, pretty much had the attitude "you make your own decisions".

Hiding isn't good. After that time, when I had quit after and failed, I just said it..Secrets aren't good.

pickaguitar
05-15-2012, 07:58 AM
What kind of person are you? Why in the world would you (and some others here) write that kind of thing? This is a real person here that asked for advice. You act like your'e giving advice in Sim City character or something. That there would be no consequences. This is a human being, and you decide to make a snap, ignorant (since you don't know any more than that little tidbit of information) judgement that could have (didn't luckily) sown doubt, ruined a relationship. Based on nothing.
It's a gear forum...not the Dr Phil show. Sage advice is not a requirement

neastguy
05-15-2012, 08:26 AM
Really? I smoked for ten years, was up to two packs a day when I quit. I am so sensitive to it now I can tell when people are smoking in the car ahead of me.

yea me too.. I hate that..lol... smoke smell is so bad, I can't believed I let myself smell like that for so long.. even my house.. argh.. smoking in my bedroom argh....... I'd confront her in a nice way...

Neer
05-15-2012, 08:27 AM
You should definitely confront her immediately as to why she hasn't been honest.

Can't you smell the smoke on her?

StompBoxBlues
05-15-2012, 08:32 AM
It's a gear forum...not the Dr Phil show. Sage advice is not a requirement

It's also advice to a human being. Destructive advice, hurtful as well to some people if they were in doubt.

Being humane doesn't need a requirement. Basic rules of decency don't go out the window because it's a forum (or...well, sometimes, but then they can also get called on it, which I did).

The ones that got all Doctor Phil, were the ones wanting to make it into high drama...Or more like...Jerry Springer!

Stonebandit
05-15-2012, 08:36 AM
Do you have kids already.....?

Wait this will lead somewhere

Nelson89
05-15-2012, 08:49 AM
Not married myself...not a smoker either, but the way i see it, i agree with the idea that there's probably a reason for the smoking anyway. I'd confront her, in a nice way, not so much to catch her out for smoking, but more so to work out WHY she's smoking. If you guys have been smoke free for quite a while, it seems highly unlikely that she would start again for absolutely no reason. So i'd try to find out the reason, probably stress about something. I wouldn't outright say "i know you've been smoking", but if you try to work out whats been stressing her etc, she'll probably tell you she's been smoking, at which point you can politely say "yeh i figured as much" or whatever.

Don't accuse her of anything...being in a long term relationship myself has told me that even if you're right, you're wrong. In this case the smoking...don't randomly say "i know you've been smoking", let her tell you...

big mike
05-15-2012, 09:37 AM
No name calling folks. If you're not going to be helpful, participate in another thread. Lots of people riding the line on the 'don't be a dick' rule.

And if you're going to report a post, don't respond to it too.

Sigh.

evets618
05-15-2012, 11:56 AM
I done been altiloquent'd.
But I don't mean that in a bad way.

semi-hollowbody
05-15-2012, 12:01 PM
Get a dog...collect its feces...
chew on the feces every time she smokes a cig...so when she wants to kiss you with the ash tray, you can kiss back with the doggy toilet...tastes about the same :)

Guinness Lad
05-15-2012, 12:02 PM
I told my wife I wouldn't kiss an ashtray. This was when we first were going out, she smoked maybe 2 a day but I knew where it was going. My grandfater died from Emphasmia and heart failure (all smoking related). She stopped almost immediately, I was very happy she choose wisely. Sounds like I'm a jerk, I just wanted the best for her is all.

Not sure how my first sentence will fly in your case however. :D

Bob Longo
05-15-2012, 12:03 PM
Tread lightly. This is your wife and this isn't earth shattering. Bring it up without being confrontational. Geez, some people here act like she offed the dog.

morlll
05-15-2012, 12:08 PM
Get a dog...collect its feces...
chew on the feces every time she smokes a cig...so when she wants to kiss you with the ash tray, you can kiss back with the doggy toilet...tastes about the same :)

I'm still lolling on this one.

I also understand the sneaking smokes, because I've done a TON. I don't anymore.

Raygun Gothic
05-15-2012, 12:17 PM
Yes, it is stress. In addition to her health issues, her oldest son is graduating from high school this month and will be leaving for college in August. While that's stressful enough for most women, she's even more stressed out because she feels he's picked the wrong college.

Anyway, it all came to a head this morning. She picked up the shorts she'd been wearing last night and her lighter fell out. She tried to give me a bunch of bull about having found it when she went to pick her daugther up from soccer practice. I said no, don't think so and told her I knew what she was doing and that she was an adult and I expected her to act like one about it. She said she'd stopped and I believe her. She didn't disappear outside last night like she'd been doing. May be just that she was out of smokes, but either way she knows she's busted.

I'm sure the fact that I'm not being two-timed will probably disappoint a few people around here, but as far as I'm concerend it's over and done with.

guzman
05-15-2012, 12:23 PM
Stone her on the market square for all eyes to see

morlll
05-15-2012, 12:25 PM
Good man. You handled it well IMHO.

Don't make too big a deal.

It sounds like she was embarrassed enough.