Divorcing, just want to vent

[johann]

Just need to vent this out guys, thanks in advance.

Sorry for my english (I'm from Mexico)

My wife and I have been together for 15 years, married for 5, we have a girl (14) and a boy (8), we've been a good couple, and the only problems we ever had were from money and because of her parents, they always got their nose on our relationship, and she never did anything about it. Those problems were like a snowball, we never got over them, so, in the end...a couple of hours ago...everything crashed.

We agreed on divorcing, it has been very hard for both of us to get over past troubles, I'm really aching here, but...life goes on, I have to carry on and stay focused on my kids..

And no, there's no other man or another woman, no drugs, alcohol, violence...just troubles that kept growing on us.

Thanks

Sorry again guys, just needed to let this out

[JPF]

No podeís mudaros a otro sitio y reempezar sin la presión de los suegros? Perdoname, no es asunto mio, pero con niños tan pequeños cualquiera solución alternativa podria ser mejor, y merecer la pena de un último intento, no?

Animo.

[DGTCrazy]

I've been married for 18 years, in part, because my wife and I sought the help of marriage therapy "before" things got out of hand ( money & communication) and we've learned to Agree to Disagree. We're best friends.....and I guess that helps.

I was told by the therapist that I needed to practice on my marriage as much as I do on my guitar.....LOL

Sorry you're going through this rough patch.

[SteveO]

Been there, it plain sucks no matter how you look at it. My situation was similar in that my ex let her friends get into her head and convince her that being single was more fun than being married. Time truly does heal all wounds, though.

[wstsidela]

Pain is universal. Sorry to hear about your divorce.

[phoenix 7]

Really sorry to hear about your marital situation. Wishing you strength, wisdom and peace.

[mslugano]

Looks like I am headed that direction too and, like you, no infidelity or other issues. We have been hit hard by the global recession and her family has involved themsleves unnecessarily. Three little girls and on is less thasn two years old. The pain and anxiety is difficult to control. Good luck!

[Midnight Lady]

I'm sorry your marriage has ended this way. Is there any chance that counselling would help? Sometimes even when the divorce idea is final, it would help you both to deal with the change and decide how to co-parent the children afterward. When there are kids involved, you will be in each others' lives forever.

For any of you reading this, don't ignore the small problems or think they will go away. They don't and they become more and more difficult to deal with. Seek counselling when there is something that can't be resolved between you.

[HoboMan]

Very sorry to hear this.
I don't have kids so take this with a grain of salt but I would really make sure that your kids know that you love them and that what is happening between you & your wife is not their fault in any way.

Whatever happens, I sincerely wish the best for you & your family.

[GuitarKidd]

Divorce is always so sad, especially when children are involved.

Those that are going through a divorce, that still might have a chance, please do seek counseling, and please go in (and this goes for both parties), willing to listen.

It does sadden me to find that money can split up a couple, as if that is an answer. My prayers are with anyone going through this.

[johann]

Thanks a lot guys, your words really mean a lot to me

She doesn't want to go counseling; I'm asking her to consider it

@JPF we haven't consider moving to another town, the irony here is that her parents doesn't even live in our city...go figure LOL.

[johann]

I really want to give it a last chance, I love her and I don't want my kids to go through a divorce (my parents are divorced)

But also, I don't want to be begging her, I don't want to sound cocky, but I have my dignity

And, just as "Midnight Lady" said: don't ignore the "small" problems...they grow

[rockinlespaul]

Over finances? Probably for the better than....

Good luck to ya.

[frickengruvin]

Marriage is tough to maintain, but in my opinion worth it. Push your pride aside. I'm not advocating for you to "beg", but rather, spend as much energy on making it work as the marriage means to you.
You two are bound together forever, not only in life experiences, but with children too.
I pray for strength, patience and levelheadedness for both of you as you walk this path. Work hard for a meaningful resolution. If your marriage does end, and you have given everything you can to make it succesfull, you can go forward knowing you gave it everything you had, and you will not have to wonder the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" thoughts that follow those that did not pay due dilligence...

All the best for you and your wife....

[rico1204]

Sorry to hear about your divorce.

Just make sure your kids know/understand that it is not their fault. Both of you need to shower them with love.

[Cap'n Fingers]

Give your wife some space and try avoid pursuing a fix to the marriage for a while. Be supportive of her decisions and focus on the kids. Post decision regret takes a while, (weeks or months). Once she, (and you), has had time to think about it she may conclude her decision was not the best one. At that point discussion of therapy and reconciling will be the most beneficial. Time is the key. It's a very hard key to hold. Hang in there.

[Redlined]

Thanks a lot guys, your words really mean a lot to me

She doesn't want to go counseling; I'm asking her to consider it

@JPF we haven't consider moving to another town, the irony here is that her parents doesn't even live in our city...go figure LOL.

I really want to give it a last chance, I love her and I don't want my kids to go through a divorce (my parents are divorced)

But also, I don't want to be begging her, I don't want to sound cocky, but I have my dignity

And, just as "Midnight Lady" said: don't ignore the "small" problems...they grow


So if I'm reading all this correctly, she isn't willing to change her spending habits, she's not willing to limit the involvement of her family on your lives, and she's unwilling to seek counceling. If that's correct, she isn't giving you much to work with and I don't blame you for holding your ground.
I think your only shot at success is changing her mind on counciling. Good luck

[mannish]

Divorce is a bitch. I have a question if you or her were having trouble with your job, would you quit, give up or try to fix it. Do you trade your car in when it needs repair or do you fix it.

I am not being a smartass AT ALL, not directed at you two but marriage is more important than the aforementioned but people tend to work harder at keeping those intact than their marriage

[mslugano]

Divorce is a bitch. I have a question if you or her were having trouble with your job, would you quit, give up or try to fix it. Do you trade your car in when it needs repair or do you fix it.

I am not being a smartass AT ALL, not directed at you two but marriage is more important than the aforementioned but people tend to work harder at keeping those intact than their marriage

Very good point and good analogy.

[guitkrazy]

I am sorry to hear. Being a divorcee and coming from a nothing but ugly divorce I can tell you the most important thing is the children. There is nothing pretty about divorce and I would try to work with your wife in agreements (custody, Child support, property...) once Lawyers get involved it is costly and even uglier. Most importantly again is the children- do everything you can to give them the security and love at this most difficult time. Another thing to keep in mind is be careful what you say and who you vent to- In my divorce I remained quiet and pretty much to my inner circle, but my Ex went to my friends, family... and totally boo hooed, [playing the poor victim] Uggh- I feel for you it is a tough gig. Keep strong and again be there for the kids. Best of luck to you

[pbmw]

Divorce is tough. But then again...so is marriage.
I was married for 17 years. Three kids. The ex got into drugs and that ended it.
I was willing to work on things and she wasn't. You have to both really want to make it work.
But the good thing about it is that the pain does eventually end.
You do eventually come out on the other side...
I wish you well.

[Joisey]

Divorce is a bitch. I have a question if you or her were having trouble with your job, would you quit, give up or try to fix it. Do you trade your car in when it needs repair or do you fix it.

I am not being a smartass AT ALL, not directed at you two but marriage is more important than the aforementioned but people tend to work harder at keeping those intact than their marriage
I don't think he is giving up but if he tries to chase or fix this she will run and he ends up divorced anyway. He has been marked as the problem and her world will be right when he is no longer the problem. OP, lovingly detach from her. Let her see and feel how life will be on her own. Start doing things for yourself. Reconnect with friends. Keep things lighthearted and fun as best you can. Fake it till you make. Now would not be the time to fall apart. You need to do 180's on how you handle things. Why? So it is not more of the same old same old that got you where you are today.

DO NOT leave the house. DO NOT become a doormat. If she wants a divorce let her work for it. Good luck. This will sound crazy but standing at this crossroad is the start of real growth as a man. Your metal will be tested.

[HoboMan]

I don't think he is giving up but if he tries to chase or fix this she will run and he ends up divorced anyway. He has been marked as the problem and her world will be right when he is no longer the problem. OP, lovingly detach from her. Let her see and feel how life will be on her own. Start doing things for yourself. Reconnect with friends. Keep things lighthearted and fun as best you can. Fake it till you make. Now would not be the time to fall apart. You need to do 180's on how you handle things. Why? So it is not more of the same old same old that got you where you are today.

DO NOT leave the house. DO NOT become a doormat. If she wants a divorce let her work for it. Good luck. This will sound crazy but standing at this crossroad is the start of real growth as a man. Your metal will be tested.

Everybody handles things differently and there is probably no "Right" way to handle this but I agree with Joisey on this one.

[johann]

Thanks again guys, I'm trying to convince her going counseling, don't want to push very hard, will see if it works

[EricPeterson]

Be careful posting about this stuff on the internet, anything you post is discoverable and likely admissible in court. Just an FYI, sorry that you are going through this, I hope better days are ahead for you.

[Joisey]

Thanks again guys, I'm trying to convince her going counseling, don't want to push very hard, will see if it works
Be careful with counseling also. Some will steer you right to divorce. Someone solution based is what you need if at some point she decides to try.

[TheRockDoc]

"What is the #1 one reason marriages have difficulty with?"
answer: money
"What is it never really the root issue?"
answer:............... money


always about priorities- never really about the lack of/ money... just my opinion...

[robare99]

Been there done that. It's usually not the big things, but all the little things.


Sorry to hear. In related news, I've never been happier.

[stratzrus]

Do you trade your car in when it needs repair or do you fix it?

It depends on how much it will cost and if the parts are available.

I know it's not the popular position, but I'm not particularly anti-divorce. With that said, it's a different story if you don't want one.

I have never had a desire to be in a relationship with a woman who didn't want to be in one with me. Once it gets to that point, I'm glad for the opportunity to move on and find a relationship that works for all parties concerned.

[mannish]

If it comes down to divorce:

based on experience of myself and others: The male ego is fragile to say the least....So stand your ground do not GIVE up nothing make 'em TAKE it. I have seen and done the brokenhearted male side and 'we' tend to just give up everything as in 'you can take it all' I do not care.....until late then you will regret not being a hardass about it.

A lawyer's job is to get THE MOST they can out of the other party so make them work REAL HARD for it.

[semi-hollowbody]

my wife and I were married 9 years before we had kids and never once discussed or considered divorce...

now we have a 2 year old and weve been having serious problems...

We opted for counseling (more like a mediator to help us comminucate) and its working so far

its all about the $$...we both have to work full time and we just dont get along anymore..

ive seen financial problems kill more marriages than infidelity/violence\drugs & alcohol put together :(

good luck...things always work out!

[Structo]

I would do everything possible to avoid getting divorced.
I know sometimes there are matters that make it unavoidable but if there is any chance of working it out, do it.

You said there isn't another man, drugs or violence which are the major reasons for divorce, so you have that going for you.
Please think very hard before you become divorced and subject the children to this.

Think about the "big picture" and what it's consequences are.

[TrickinSid]

Sorry to hear.

Divorce is one of the hardest events in life to get thru. :(

Time will help.....and hey, maybe you will meet someone new!

Good luck..sincerely and try to stay positive. :)

[supergenius365]

Yes, very sorry to hear this. Marriage can be tough no matter the situation. Best to your family.

[DGTCrazy]

Over finances? Probably for the better than....

Good luck to ya.



I think statistically.....this is the #1 cause of Marital issues and divorce.

[bseamus]

I wish you love and success in the future. I'm barely on the other side and can't believe how I endured the previous 6 months, but I did. hang in there and all will be ok.

[johann]

thanks again guys, you've been helpful.

I sent her some info on counselling, and she replied that we could talk about it tonight...so, maybe there's a chance here.

thanks guys I really appreciate your words

[Jahn]

family and finances are actually more common than boozin' and cheatin' as reasons for divorce - the big cloudy "irreconcilable differences" thing. big plus one on the counseling thing - have someone help you guys talk it out, maybe there's a breakthrough waiting for both of you.

[johann]

We're going to counselling tomorrow, she called me and told me to make an appointment, she says she still loves me, and want to give it a shot, she says that the kids doesn't deserve to lose the family.

Let's see how it works out.

Thanks guys

I'm going to put all my heart in makin this realtionship work

[Endr_rpm]

Best of luck man.

[johann]

thanks

[Axe-maniac]

We're going to counselling tomorrow, she called me and told me to make an appointment, she says she still loves me, and want to give it a shot, she says that the kids doesn't deserve to lose the family.

Let's see how it works out.

Thanks guys

I'm going to put all my heart in makin this realtionship work

That is great news!! I'll be praying for your situation.

[ow my eyes]

So glad to hear she's willing to try and make it work, Johann. Your OP really hit me in the gut. I have 4 kids and married 21 years. Its not a joy ride, but the thought of things falling apart makes me physically ill.
Best of success in the counseling. I've been to a few marriage encounters in the past. (those are good btw) One of the few "pearls of wisdom" that seemed to stick with me was when one speakers said 'its often the traits that we found attractive in our spouse, that when drawn out over time, is what bothers us the most.'
For example. One of the traits I really liked about my wife was that she was so easy going. The total opposite of a nag. But what really bothers me is her inability to be persistant and get things done. So when I get uptight about her "who cares?" attitude, I have to remember that's a big part of what I love about her. Im type A, shes type C-. (lol)
So in your counseling, work on discussing the positive traits in each other that initially brought you together, and how that has simply morphed.
Its not a fatal system error, its a lost directory file. Try not to focus on just the bad stuff and don't let the counselor make you guys make ultimatums and pretend either of you are going to change. You just need to take a new fresh persective of each other and reaffirm each other's positive qualities.
All of us really just want to be appreciated. Tell her you appreciate her and you want to feel appreciated too.
Get away together alone in a nice place for at least a week if you can. Its totally worth whatever it takes.
A nice bouqet of flowers with a card that says "I love you and I want you to be my wife forever" is nice starting point at the first counseling session.

Good luck - it can happen to any of us any day. Thanks for sharing here.
My wife and I have been skidding along recently and this thread just hits home.

[tiktok]

I think statistically.....this is the #1 cause of Marital issues and divorce.

As I recall, it's #1, #2 is disapproving in-laws.

After that:

58hHVlZCfvM

[Rad Skronker]

Whatever you do make sure you don't say something you can't take back.
Don't be nasty even if she calls you the worst names in the world, STAY COOL!

Try to make the kids the highest priority

It's a good sign she's willing to consider some kind of counseling.

Society needs more people who are willing and able to stay together to work towards having a happy and healthy relationship.

Good luck, I really hope you two can work it out.

Edit: Just read post #39. Goods news indeed.

[mslugano]

We're going to counselling tomorrow, she called me and told me to make an appointment, she says she still loves me, and want to give it a shot, she says that the kids doesn't deserve to lose the family.

Let's see how it works out.

Thanks guys

I'm going to put all my heart in makin this realtionship work

WOW! That is great news! I sure hope it works for the sake of the whole family.

Man, how I wish my wife would say the same. I hate the idea of my girls without a full time dad.

[zosozep7]

I think most of the time we just marry the wrong person to begin with, then realize it 10 years down the road. If things don't work out OP I promise you will know exactly what your looking for in a mate with a little practice. Good luck to you.

[crosse79]

Great to hear that you are going to go counseling. Hang in there.

[andrekp]

Venting on an internet thread about your divorce is about the dumbest thing you can possibly do. Delete this thread immediately. Her lawyer will use it against you if he has half an ounce of competence.

[tiktok]

Venting on an internet thread about your divorce is about the dumbest thing you can possibly do. Delete this thread immediately. Her lawyer will use it against you if he has half an ounce of competence.

Good lord, the OP has his name attached to his profile.

[Fred Farkus]

Great to hear the good news about you trying to work it out. Good luck!

[johann]

well, we went to counseling, she says it was very hard for her, but we got it through, this next wednesday is our second counseling date...we'll see.

We've been talking things out, trying to keep our problems solved.

It's been hard, but I know the reward will be great.

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to write, and for your words, you've been really helpful to me.

Cheers to all of you.

Johann

[Bluzeboy]

I'm going to put all my heart in makin this realtionship work

Not trying to be the internet jerk here but.. you probably should have been doing that all along.

[Fred Farkus]

well, we went to counseling, she says it was very hard for her, but we got it through, this next wednesday is our second counseling date...we'll see.

We've been talking things out, trying to keep our problems solved.

It's been hard, but I know the reward will be great.

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to write, and for your words, you've been really helpful to me.

Cheers to all of you.

Johann

GOOD FOR YOU! Keep it up and let us know how it is going! :aok:aok