Divorce- how does love turn so bad?

[anoobis]

Never been married. Never been close to it. Hearing all the horror stories, perhaps it's better not to know. I recently met someone who might just be my perfect match and I just can't picture how anything between us could ever turn so bad. So is it really better to have loved and lost, or to not have loved in the first place?

[neastguy]

you can still love and not get married... and get burned...

[1973Marshall]

How funny, I started the thread Divorced guys, offer the single guys advice on what you'd have done differently

at the same time

Mojo's story got me thinking

[buddaman71]

People start relationships only seeing the good in the other person. Over time, somehow, human nature causes us to only see the bad. It's so sad. I've been through a divorce and it's the worst thing I've ever dealt with. I'm remarried now to the love of my life (been together 7 years) and we have an amazing relationship. Sure, we squabble occasionally, but I've become a dramatically more positive person overall and I've adopted this (admittedly kinda cheesy) philosophy to stay centered.

Every time I start to get restless or develop negativity about ANY aspect of my relationship, I stop and consciously review and remind myself of at least 5 things that I deeply love and appreciate and respect about my wife. Humans seem to be programmed over time to dwell on perceived inadequacies and ignore positive traits. Why do you think so many affairs happen? Partners stop noticing all the great qualities in their spouse and others notice immediately. Consciously reminding oneself of all the qualities that made them fall in love with their partner in the first place is a great way to keep love alive and nurture it. If both spouses place the other's needs above their own on a daily basis, the relationship will grow into a deep bond that will make both lives stronger.

Just my experience.

[Tuberattler]

Love is all about sacrifice, if both participate things are good. Resentment builds and so does stress, life, kids, money etc..

A marriage is each partner giving a 110%, when one is giving all and the other is holding back a train wreck is sure to happen.

[bluesdoc]

Relationships last based not on how good they are, but on how conflict is managed.

jon

[DGTCrazy]

Anoobis......you will hear a lot of B.S. responses here, so be prepared. I've been married for 17 years. We've had our ups and downs.....but the one mistake I see couples make is they don't WORK on their relationship like they do their bands.

They don't practice, or make it a priority. You'll never figure out a way to prevent problems.....but if you work at correcting your mistakes ( everything from leaving the toilet seat up, to compromising, to never making unilateral decisions regarding the spending of more than a few hundred dollars), you will both grow.

Being in love now garuntees just one thing: that it will change over time. It's what you do with that time that makes all the difference. The other piece of advice. Talk to your spouse if you are tempted outside of the relationship down the road. That is a symptom of not getting the attention you need, and that needs to be talked about prior to the act of infidelity.

Knowingly starting a relationship outside of the marriage is cowardly, if you didn't try to fix the problems that are driving you there first, and together. You need to be Best Friends.....and treat her like you do your best friend now.

That's my keys to staying Happily married for 17 years and counting.

[karmadave]

Precede with extreme caution is the only advice I can offer. Early in a relationship, most couples are still in a state of euphoria. That state will eventually wear off and you will gain a clearer picture of each other. Just remember, it takes seconds to say 'I do' and years to say 'I don't'. Good luck...

[coreybox]

* Love is a verb. It takes work to maintain things, even wonderful things. If a partner stops putting in this required work, things will deteriorate.

* Mutual love for each other is not a requirement of marriage. This can either be accidental (mistaking something else for love, that is thinking you are in love when you really aren't) or intentional (marrying for money or any number of other reasons).

* Situations change. This ties directly into "love is work", but certain changes can rock the foundation enough that a partner is unwilling to put in the work to fix it.

[Blues Power]

b/c in the beginning its all sex sex sex and experimenting with sex and trying new sex. once that wears off all you got left is her big mouth, her monster mother, her opinionated sister, obnoxious freinds and your raoming eyes and thoughts of replacing all that sex.

I hope I dont get banned for saying that being im on my last chord here with TGP. lol.... but imo its a truthful statement.

[yoyoyoseph]

Have you watched "The Kids are Alright"? Showed a side of this fabulously, and also how people can come back together.

[Blanket Jackson]

how does it turn bad? guys thinking with the wrong head, and gals thinking it's all some soap opera.

[MKB]

Been happily married for 16 years now, and have learned a few things:

1) Go to pre-marriage counciling. When we were engaged, the pastor that was to marry us insisted on the pre-marriage counciling classes. Turned out it was the best thing we could have done. What it did was give us a good idea what we would run into during marriage, and how to constructively solve the problems. We learned off the bat a ton of lessons that would have been learned the hard way later.

Another benefit is a good counselor will be honest if the couple is a good fit for each other. Sometimes this is obviously not the case, but the carbonated hormones of love can blind the couple to all sorts of obvious issues.

2) Marriage is HARD. Sex lives will fade away, as well as the giddiness of love. It then turns into a lot of hard work. You have to marry someone you will like being around and share interests with in the long term. To me there is nothing as sad as seeing a couple in a restaurant that will sit through their meal and not even look or talk to each other (I see it all the time). My wife and I share many interests, and genuinely like hanging out with each other.

3) Marriage takes hard commitment. If you are not willing to stick out the hard times when everything in your being says to run, maybe you shouldn't get married. There are many more good times than hard BTW, but the hard times will come.

4) Look hard at the conflicts you face early in your relationship before marriage, and try to be objective to see the significant other's real personality. Everyone is on their best behavior while dating. Everyone is sometimes at their worst after the honeymoon. Try to see the other person's worst side before you commit totally.

[AlienInvader]

Most of us are pretty selfish. That works in favor of divorce.

[Melodyman]

Be aware that it's just a chemical reaction