A band and friend problem

Discussion in 'The Sound Hound Lounge' started by JohnRosett, Feb 7, 2012.

  1. JohnRosett

    JohnRosett Member

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    I play in a jazz group with a guy who has been a close friend for many years. He is a great jazz guitarist, but a real challenge as a friend. The past couple of years have been really tough for him, and I have tried to help him as much as possible, including inviting him to live in my (very small) house when he had no other place to go, driving him to gigs and not asking for gas money, and even giving him work with my painting business.
    Like I said, he is a great musician, but lately, he has been harder and harder to deal with. He and the bass player are very accomplished jazz musicians, and while I feel like I can hold my own with them, I'm not at the same level as far as jazz goes (I also play guitar and steel in a local western swing band that is a lot more popular than the jazz group). My friend never wants to rehearse, but instead enjoys calling new and very difficult tunes that he and the bass player know while we're on the bandstand. I have been a good sport about this, and go home and learn the songs before the next gig. When I have requested a new song, he never learns it.
    For a year now, I have been suggesting that we get together and record some tunes so that we can build a website and get some more lucrative gigs, but he has been uninterested. Yesterday, I saw that he had created a Reverbnation website for the band, including many pictures of me. Apparently, he and the bass player got together and recorded some songs that he put on this site. The day they recorded, I was sitting around the house, and they could have included me in the session if they had wanted to. He is publishing links on Facebook to the recordings, and the links have my picture on them! I wouldn't have minded if they did recordings without me and used a different band name, but this really seems like a slap in the face to me, and I'm really having a hard time not calling him out over this, which I think that he would like, since he has that kind of personality that likes to push people into irritation. He has done some other ****** things to me lately outside of the context of the band also.
    We have had an every other week gig at a local winery for the past two years, and I am seriously considering just not showing up this Friday, and quitting the band.
    Thanks for letting me rant! Any comments appreciated.
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2012
  2. Staticbuster

    Staticbuster Member

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    Life's too short to waste time with that. Let him know that you aren't interested in the gig anymore and move on. What you do with your friendship is up to you, I can't comment on that aspect.
     
  3. guzman

    guzman Member

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    I'd quit, but that's just me.
     
  4. 2HBStrat

    2HBStrat Member

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    He's using you. He's NOT a friend! IMO! What you do about it is up to you!
     
  5. Seegs

    Seegs Member

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    My definition of friend does not include that kind of behavior...

    I would like to hear his take on it to try and understand his behavior...

    Chow,
    Seegs
     
  6. Birddog

    Birddog Member

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    Esteem? No.
    Affection? No.
    One that is not hostile? No.
    Acquaintance? Yes.

    3 out of 4 says he isn't much of a friend.
     
  7. DGTCrazy

    DGTCrazy Moderator de Emporio Staff Member

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    OP...Sorry...but your Band-mates are, and have been giving you a very Clear signal for a while. Bow out gracefully.....move on, and find other Jazz Musician's equal in skills. Then....you can focus on your successful band.

    Good luck!
     
  8. sosomething

    sosomething Member

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    Unless you're getting some kind of fulfillment out of your participation in this jazz group that you won't find with other players, I'm having a hard time understanding your motivation to stay.
     
  9. stratovarius

    stratovarius Supporting Member

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    I wouldn't just not show up for a gig if I considered myself a professional.
     
  10. GCDEF

    GCDEF Supporting Member

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    I don't mean this as harshly as it sounds, but the guy is a user and you're a doormat. Stand up for yourself. I think I'd move on from this band and "friendship", but I'd also be a little introspective about why I let somebody take advantage of me like that and how I would prevent it in the future.
     
  11. JubileeMan 2555

    JubileeMan 2555 Member

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    Grow some balls and tell him he's and ass. Get the stuff out in the open. Wake him up to his actions. If he's resistant, cut him off.
     
  12. JohnRosett

    JohnRosett Member

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    Maybe I mis-spoke.
    I can and have hung with this band for quite a while. I can play anything that they can, and when a new tune that I don't know is thrown at me during performance, I can play it, but it does make me a little uncomfortable. It's more that their knowledge of tunes is broader than mine, not that I am not as good a musician as they are.
     
  13. Mark Robinson

    Mark Robinson Member

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    I'm an odd man out, but if you are challenged and learning by being associated, and the playing itself is stimulating, I'd stick with it. The guy is rude and a bit weird, but so what, you're a big boy. Water off a duck.
     
  14. Shiny McShine

    Shiny McShine Member

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    John,

    It sounds like you're the frog in the Frog and Kettle story.
     
  15. 2HBStrat

    2HBStrat Member

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    THIS would have been the deal breaker for me. Either fire them or quit and find some other people to play with who will treat you with respect.
     
  16. thewhit

    thewhit Silver Supporting Member

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    Some individuals who are failures on the basics of life, tune out everything but there own survival/ desires and become very selfish. It's all about them and what will serve their immediate needs. Obviously when one is always in survival mode the underlying issue is that they don't have the skills or confidence/ desire to provide for themselves and any caring person around them suffers because it's either offer up solutions, sometime to your own detriment, or sit back and feel that you could have done more.

    I've found that it's more difficult dealing with people like your friend the older they become, as the pattern of behavior is more a lifestyle than a passing life phase.

    There may be a lesson to be learned for both of you. I think you should sit down with this guy and clear the air. Tell him how his actions have affected you, ask him if he wants to continue to play with you and let him know your desire to see him relying on himself rather than everyone else for his basic needs. A job would be a good thing. The world doesn't owe him the kind of charity he's been receiving and while he deserves an equal opinion re: the band, he hasn't earned the right to make autonomous decisions without you and it's time to level the playing field, or move on.

    You will be taking the highroad and speaking the truth and when the dust settles, you'll be on the right side of the issue because you had the nerve to deal with it .........not turn and run as some have suggested.

    Your lesson could be that when you are an integral part of a band you are there for a reason and don't give up any of your personal capital because you perceive the other players as being better. Occupy your space and own it. if you need to work on your chops do so but there is always someone more skilled, so don't worry about it.........just play.
     
  17. Bluzeboy

    Bluzeboy Gold Supporting Member

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    :agree
     
  18. 2HBStrat

    2HBStrat Member

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    I think there's a big difference between "turning and running" and grasping the truth of the situation and taking an appropriate response. To me the OP's bandmate made his positon clear by recording and uploading music without the OP, even though the OP had been proposing recording the band for over a year! I guess talking never hurts, but to me the OP's bandmate has already spoken!
     
  19. Rockledge

    Rockledge Member

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    I have to agree with this.

    I have a basic philosophy about dealing with people that can be summed up in one phrase:

    "people treat you like you let em'"
     
  20. Jon C

    Jon C Silver Supporting Member

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    amen... this guy is not a friend. I'd move on unless a frank conversation results in immediate significant changes.
     

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