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Band quitting etiquette?

cantstoplt021

Member
Messages
1,217
I think I'm getting ready to quit my band and I'm wondering the right way to do it. I started a thread a little while ago about it, but basically I really like the guys in the band and how focused and dedicated everyone is, but I cannot stand the music we play. I'm the bassist in a hard rock band and I don't listen to this type of music. It's getting to the point where weekly 3 hour practices are starting to become no fun at all. Plus they want to start writing more originals and I have such a hard time writing things in this style. I like groove and syncopation not hard rock emphasize the sh*t out of the downbeat stuff. It's just not my style. Anyway what's the best way to do this? People in the last thread recommended talking to them and saying that they have x number of months to find a new bassist then I'm gone. We have a gig at the end of July and that's it.... last one was months ago, but anyway. What's a reasonable amount of time to stick around? I don't want to short them, but frankly I'm not having any fun anymore. We did just record two demo songs with a guy who knows what he's doing so that should help them find another bassist. They did have to search for a long while before me, but oh well. It's just not enjoyable anymore.
 

TheGuildedAge

Senior Member
Messages
13,063
Tactful honesty.

Tell them what you told us: I love you guys but my heart just isn't in this music. It wouldn't be right for me to stick around, so I want to be upfront and fair so you guys can find someone to take my place after the July show.
 

lp_bruce

Silver Supporting Member
Messages
17,841
Agreed. I would offer to finish the July gig.

And just be honest. Be nice and don't make it personal, but be honest. If you aren't feeling the music and happy now, it is unlikely things will be better in six months.

Peace,
 

Guitar Josh

Resident Curmudgeon
Gold Supporting Member
Messages
19,017
Tell them ASAP. They may want YOU gone ASAP and if they are going to get a replacement, now is the time.
 

cantstoplt021

Member
Messages
1,217
Tell them ASAP. They may want YOU gone ASAP and if they are going to get a replacement, now is the time.
I don't think so. They've told me numerous times how happy they are that I'm in the band cause I know my parts and am reliable. Their last bassist wasn't at all. But I agree I should tell them asap
 

Guitar Josh

Resident Curmudgeon
Gold Supporting Member
Messages
19,017
I don't think so. They've told me numerous times how happy they are that I'm in the band cause I know my parts and am reliable. Their last bassist wasn't at all. But I agree I should tell them asap
No you misunderstand. If you were in my band and told me you were quitting in three weeks and only sticking around to play the gig, I don't care how much I like you I would want you gone immediately or at least have the opportunity to get someone else ready for the gig who may be long term.
 

Jon C

Silver Supporting Member
Messages
17,555
Take the high road. As noted above, finish out the gig, let them know you like them but it's not the musical fit you're looking for, etc.
 

Jamalot

Senior Member
Messages
8,208
No you misunderstand. If you were in my band and told me you were quitting in three weeks and only sticking around to play the gig, I don't care how much I like you I would want you gone immediately or at least have the opportunity to get someone else ready for the gig who may be long term.
If i was in your band and you took this unneccesary and seemingly irrational action and left us w/no bassist with gig in 2 weeks, you'd need to find a replacement for me too. That's not pro, that's drama.
 

dirk_benedict

Silver Supporting Member
Messages
6,467
No you misunderstand. If you were in my band and told me you were quitting in three weeks and only sticking around to play the gig, I don't care how much I like you I would want you gone immediately or at least have the opportunity to get someone else ready for the gig who may be long term.
Really? Wow...seems a bit rash.

OP - maybe your band is filled with loose cannons like Guitar Josh and if you tell them now they'll let you escape before the gig. Win win.

But honestly - when you know you want to quit, tell them. Time is always of essence in these things. But if you don't have any seething animosity and you can hang around long enough to help them keep the schedule and not cancel any gigs, then do that too (if you want). Basically the only d*ck move here is sitting on your news and quitting within spitting distance of the next gig, when you know there is little chance of a sub.
 

amstrtatnut

Member
Messages
12,707
If i was in your band and you took this unneccesary and seemingly irrational action and left us w/no bassist with gig in 2 weeks, you'd need to find a replacement for me too. That's not pro, that's drama.
I dont think thats what he meant. The way I read it, he just meant tell them asap so they can start looking sooner. He didnt say not to play the gig.

OP it sounds like your situation aint bad at all. I concur with all the above.
 

bgmacaw

Member
Messages
8,083
There's always the Nigel Tufnel method, throw down your guitar and storm off stage in a huff in the middle of a gig.

But, the better way is to help them find a replacement that better fits the style direction they want to head while filling in until they do. Also, setting a time line for the transition should also smooth things out.
 

Gasp100

Silver Supporting Member
Messages
22,502
I dont think thats what he meant. The way I read it, he just meant tell them asap so they can start looking sooner. He didnt say not to play the gig.

OP it sounds like your situation aint bad at all. I concur with all the above.
Agreed. Let them know ASAP and be willing to be subbed for that last gig. In my past band we had some major issues with people "leaving on their own terms" which is complete crap. If you leave then you submit yourself to being subbed / replaced by the remaining members in the band.
 

2HBStrat

Senior Member
Messages
41,244
I think I'm getting ready to quit my band and I'm wondering the right way to do it. ........We have a gig at the end of July and that's it.... .......
Agreed. I would offer to finish the July gig. .....,
IMO the fair thing to do is (1) play the July gig, (2) wait about a week or so, or until the next band rehearsal, and (3) give them (at least) a two weeks notice. Since there are no more gigs you will essentially be quitting but doing it the fair "Musicians Union" two week notice way. The reason NOT to quit right after the July gig is to not be a downer at the gig.....you have a good gig (to them at least if not to you), and then a member quits?.....not good. Then you can move on with a free and clear conscience to a music that you really enjoy. Good Luck!
 

lp_bruce

Silver Supporting Member
Messages
17,841
IMO the fair thing to do is (1) play the July gig, (2) wait about a week or so, or until the next band rehearsal, and (3) give them (at least) a two weeks notice. Since there are no more gigs you will essentially be quitting but doing it the fair "Musicians Union" two week notice way. The reason NOT to quit right after the July gig is to not be a downer at the gig.....you have a good gig (to them at least if not to you), and then a member quits?.....not good. Then you can move on with a free and clear conscience to a music that you really enjoy. Good Luck!
The sooner he let's them know, the sooner they can start finding a replacement. If I am the other guys in the band, I would want to know now.

Peace,
 

Gasp100

Silver Supporting Member
Messages
22,502
IMO the fair thing to do is (1) play the July gig, (2) wait about a week or so, or until the next band rehearsal, and (3) give them (at least) a two weeks notice. Since there are no more gigs you will essentially be quitting but doing it the fair "Musicians Union" two week notice way. The reason NOT to quit right after the July gig is to not be a downer at the gig.....you have a good gig (to them at least if not to you), and then a member quits?.....not good. Then you can move on with a free and clear conscience to a music that you really enjoy. Good Luck!
A great way to get people to want to join a project (or to find great subs) is to have gigs on the books.
So you are telling the OP to keep the July gig, then wait until ANOTHER rehearsal and THEN offer an additional 2 weeks notice?
Please... if I was the bandleader I would much rather have a member tell me the day they decided to leave - I wouldn't take it personal but sure as hell would look to sub immediately and use the fact I have gigs on the books as enticement for future subs/replacements.
Keeping his decision to himself is actually selfish IMHO.
And playing gigs (and even co-writing?) when you're not even into the music at all is ridiculous.
 

TheGuildedAge

Senior Member
Messages
13,063
I think a lot of times we have conversations in our heads where we fear the worst.

I think they will appreciate your honesty and like knowing ASAP they can move forward with someone all in. Also, it gives them the option to know we can still play the gig, but if we find someone in the meantime, great.

All I see here is an amicable split. Sure, they may be disappointed, but that's because they think you are a good guy and good bassist.

Best of luck.
 

straightblues

Member
Messages
9,576
I would write everyone in the band an email and send it to them the day before the next practice. Why an email? You can spend some time writing it and really say what you want without getting overly emotional or being interrupted. It will also give everyone in the band a chance to digests it before you all talk. Feelings will be hurt, and sending it a day before you see them gives them time to settle down. It also gives them time to say just don't show up if they are really upset.

I would include the following in the email:

I consider you all friends
I do not like the direction of the music that is why I am moving on. (It's not one song, it is the general direction)
Since I truely consider you freinds, I will help you any way the band wants for the next X month
I will play any gigs you need me to (for the next X months) until you find someone new
I feel guilty writing songs and planning a future with a band in a genre of music I am not passionate about; the band deserves better.
 

Guitar Josh

Resident Curmudgeon
Gold Supporting Member
Messages
19,017
Really? Wow...seems a bit rash.

OP - maybe your band is filled with loose cannons like Guitar Josh and if you tell them now they'll let you escape before the gig. Win win.
Do you have any idea what a loose canon even is? Why would you want to be in a band with someone who doesn't want to be in it anymore and is only playing a gig half-hearted out of charity? Or even that you would want to work out a new bassist for the gig as a going concern. Seriously, you have no idea what you are talking about even remotely, or you've never been in a serious band before.
 




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