Did Your Dedication to Music Ruin a Marriage or Relationship? Initial Warning Signs ?

Discussion in 'The Sound Hound Lounge' started by Baminated, Feb 28, 2012.

  1. Baminated

    Baminated Member

    Mar 1, 2009
    Pretty F-n Far From Okay
    If yes, and in hindsight, were there initial warning signs you failed to heed before tying the knot or committing for a long time ?
  2. oakfloor

    oakfloor Member

    Sep 26, 2007
    "You love your music more than me"
  3. Mayflower

    Mayflower Supporting Member

    Apr 5, 2004

    No, but I sure have seen my fair share of good musicians have the ones
    they loved ruin the music for them.
    The opposite of what you are asking I guess.
  4. s2y

    s2y Member

    Jan 3, 2012
    Caught somewhere in time
    Nope. The dedication to my job, house, wife, dog, and kid ruined my dedication to music. :rimshot

    The whole rockstar/touring/following dream is fine n' dandy, but what is her dream? Most women don't say, "I want to marry a guy who spends as much time away from home as possible."
  5. Rockledge

    Rockledge Member

    Jun 15, 2011
    My wife and I have been married for 27 years come this May.
    She is a gem. I go out at 10pm with a guitar under my arm, kiss her goodbye and don't return until the wee hours at 3am. I gig weekends and often don't come wandering in til 5 am.
    She buys me guitars, finds it a bit humorous when drunk chicks take me on as their pet project at gigs or think the guitar player wants a view of their winnabagos.
    And she never gets upsent when I spend days at a time in the studio or in the shop working on gear or when musicians show up at the door with a piece of gear that "dude, it's gotta be working for tonights gig" needs fixed.
    She's a Saint.
  6. oldtelefart

    oldtelefart Member

    Aug 10, 2009
    Tropical Oz
    I got married the first time at 23. I used to be away from home on tour at least 6 months a year, partying up a storm. The first signs I had that she was unhappy was when she started sleeping with lots of guys and presented me with divorce papers.

    I was surprised.
  7. splatt

    splatt david torn / splattercell Gold Supporting Member

    Apr 20, 2008
    my wife and i are coming up on our 40th anniversary.
    i've been a professional musician, full-time, for all of those 40yrs:
    often touring, otherwise in studios, much time spent very far away from home.
    we have two sons, both now married, of whom we are very proud, and with whom we are very, very close.

    certainly, there were amazingly difficult times;
    maybe, some more will arise, yet --- who knows?

    but, we both want to stay together, and, to date? we have done so, and still do.
    we fight, but do not seem to hold sticky grudges that extend the fights beyond their healthy existences.
    when i'm not working, i'm not working:
    no projects, no phones.

    she did not, & does not, ask me to quit playing, writing, recording or gigging;
    this is what it is, and..... music is our livelihood, to boot.
    accordingly & in-kind,
    i do not ask her to change anything of her independent life to which she is committed.

    we both agreed to these things, very early on..... very early on;
    and, we still discuss this agreement, which needs to remain flexible as life gets on.....

    we do, of course, often need to make truly mutual decisions about many things in our lives.


    to quote duke ellington, here:
    "music is my mistress."

    within reason
    --- that is to say: reason & consideration, with which i have had to learn to engage ---
    my wife respects that.

    i've no need to leave her for music,
    & it seems that she's not leaving me because of my dedication to it.

  8. KRosser

    KRosser Member

    Oct 15, 2004
    Pasadena, CA
    It ruined lots of relationships until I found one worth keeping.
  9. crzyfngers

    crzyfngers Member

    Jun 7, 2008
    texas (lots of edible animals)
    well fred, you knew the job was dangerous when you took it.
  10. freedom's door

    freedom's door Supporting Member

    Jun 11, 2008
    No, but it cost me having a social life for many years. That's time i will never get back, and i regret it.
  11. DGTCrazy

    DGTCrazy Moderator de Emporio Staff Member

    Aug 13, 2010
    Petaluma, CA
    Not me....but for my best friend and long time Drummer....it was the demise of several relationships. Unfortunately, he had a way of finding women who became so very jealous of our bands....that they gave ultimatums.....but they always lost.

    I always thought it was so sad too.....as he was one of the sweetest guys on the planet, and one of the most respectful guys towards women I'd ever seen. But he was always upfront about his love for music.....and for crying out loud.... his Full-Time job was in the music industry as a Digital Mastering Engineer.

    The initial Warning Signs: Jealousy, Anger, Caddy Behavior towards bandmate's spouses/girlfriends..
  12. Neer

    Neer Supporting Member

    Jan 1, 2007
    I shopped around and found the right one. My dedication to my family has helped me to build a career in music that, while not very lucrative, is extremely satisfying and is a lifelong endeavor. Everything that is important to me, I commit to for the long haul.

    splatt, congratulations on a remarkable milestone.
  13. splatt

    splatt david torn / splattercell Gold Supporting Member

    Apr 20, 2008

    thanks, dude!
    summer-time, for our 40th.
  14. FenderBigot

    FenderBigot Supporting Member

    Mar 12, 2008
    Tampa Bay
    Answer to the OP... Yes

    Warning signs:
    Wife: "I don't want you to play music any more"
    Me: "I'm sorry, I really enjoy it and it's a release for me"
    Wife: "I will not sit there and watch you by myself... I want no part of this"
    Me: "OK... you can stay home"
    Wife: "You can't go out to a bar without me"
    Me: "WTF?!?!"

    Marriage over. Gave her 15 years of my life and YES, I was in a band when she effing met me.
  15. Bankston

    Bankston Member

    Nov 21, 2007
    Yep, it happened to me.

    Let's just say while the cat was away gigging, the mouse was playing.
  16. wolfman63

    wolfman63 Member

    Dec 24, 2011
    Some women are just not able to accept how important music is to us. I've known guys who were great at their instrument who were forced into "retirement" ..........(spelled s u b m i s s i o n) by wives/girlfriends. Guys ended up being miserable for years. My first wife (of fifteen years) got angry when I bought a new set of strings.
    "You only broke one! Why do you have to buy a whole set?" My wife of the last thirty years buy's me guitars. - Les Paul guitars. Trust's me out alone, helps book the band, and promises to tell me when I should give it up to keep from embarrassing myself.
    She's PERFECT! I'm a lucky man.
  17. The Whale

    The Whale Supporting Member

    Dec 20, 2005
    Rochester, NY
    I just have to say that i love everything about what you just said. We should all work to be so lucky!
  18. Glowing Tubes

    Glowing Tubes Gold Supporting Member

    Jun 14, 2004
    Northern Colorado
    It's a constant struggle for me. The wife just tolerates my playing and gets pissed if I'm out more than one night a week. Has come see me play once in the 12 years we've been married. It's heartbreaking that I can not share something so dear to my heart with her.
    She's missing out on a huge chunk of what brings me joy.
  19. nofearfactor

    nofearfactor Member

    Jun 14, 2009

    First warning sign for me: I put everything I had into getting better at, playing the guitar, and making music- from my first good band at age 16 to 30 when my life finally crumbled in all around me and things took a turn for the worse. Nothing else mattered really but playing the guitar, writing, and metal. I was obsessed with it. I had taken classical lessons from about age 11-14. But when I first started playing electric at 15 along with Sabbath and Zeppelin albums, I was hooked. By 16 I had got myself into a few bands and that was it, Ive been at it ever since. Playing metal consumed me. Playing in the extreme metal world meant you didnt really sell alot of your recorded music so you had to go out and play tons of shows all over your state (mine was California) and then when the bands you were in got bigger shows then you started playing every where, coast to coast, every dive to medium venue, every festival you could get yourself on a side stage. Crowded vans, cheap motels, and alot of hard and heavy partying. Problems were to become: back at home I was married to and had a kid each with 2 of the best women in the world during that time. I was the one though who couldnt make the relationships work though- they were super loyal, patient to an extent, and they provided me with homes to come home to after I had been gone playing. I in turn was selfish, childish, a cheat, a liar, a drunk, a drug addict, you name it I was it. Sad but true. When I was home I was there but not really there- I was either on the guitar while at home or off rehearsing with whatever band I was in, or recording. And more partying.

    My first ex wife finally couldnt take my **** any longer along with trying to go to college and raising a kid basically alone so she divorced me and remarried a great guy with a stable lifestyle who became an awesome role model for my kid. My kid is now 22, graduated college twice and is has entered med school with the goal of becoming a Dr like her mother and step-father.
    My last ex pretty much same story. We met in art school, apprenticed in the same tattoo shop after school, moved in together, started our first shop, got married, had a kid, then I got into a good band and left to go play music and she was left at home to raise the kid and run the shop. She also finally got tired of my ****, divorced me, and pretty much raised our kid alone. We've now been in business together for the last 19 years in a couple of tattoo shops and our kid is 17 about to graduate highschool this year. Me and my ex are both remarried and some how have figured out how to be good friends again besides business partners.

    I am now married to Mrs #3 and finally am with someone who not only understands that the world Im in is a weird circus style of life, but also how fcking weird I am. Alot of artists and musicians for some reason are just totally weird. I'm double weird. A couple of years before we met, I had turned 30 and woke up one day and just decided that my whole life had been **** up to that point and it was time to grow up. I literally put everything in my life on hold, bands, friends, family, etc, and I went to Hawaii for awhile to chill out. When I came back to the mountains of northern California where I live I spent a solid year doing nothing. I stayed in my small A-frame cabin in the mountains and set about working on learning about who I was without the guitar and the music business and most important of all who I was without a woman in my life- and its the best thing I ever did.

    When I was young and dumb being with women was like connecting the dots- I went from one woman to the next. Girlfriends, a wife, girlfriends, a wife, etc. A musician without a wife or girlfriend is usually homeless, and I was one of those that needed someone to take care of me. Then add that to playing the guitar day and night and then also mixing in the hardcore partying. I wanted to be with someone again, but I also wanted to try and spend at least a year alone to find out who I even was before I would involve someone in my life again. I did it too. An entire year of just me and my dog, my reptiles and tarantulas. It was lonely at first but after you get used to it its not so bad. Thanksgiving and Christmas at my sisters in the LA area was weird being the only sib not married but I got thru it. Eventually I met someone who lives in the midwest and after a long distance relationship we got married and now we shuffle between California and the midwest. Been married almost 9 years. She's totally awesome and I greatly respect her. I havent even thought about cheating once. No need to. No hard drugs in 12 years, quit the really heavy drinking. I like my new life way too much to fck things all up again. I still have a few import beers or a few shots of Jager with friends or the guys in the bands, maybe a Bourban neat here and there at home, and since I am a native Californian and live in northern California its almost natural for me to smoke a little herb to relax. But these days Im completely chill versus what I was like in my teens thru my late 20s. Like I said before, I just woke up one day and got serious about life, and thats what helped me get where I am now.

    Im 42 now and my guitar playing is better than it ever has been- but Im not a slave to it any more. I still practice, still write and record, still rehearse and go out and play shows with bands, still run around buying gear and putting rigs together- I just dont live it 24-7 like I did when I was younger. Im taking more time to enjoy life than I did when I was younger. Im in 2 different bands right now but I manage my time better and spend alot more time with my wife and her 2 kids along with my own 2 kids. I even have a few hobbies today, something I never had time for or made time for when I was younger. My life is better than it ever has been. I got lucky.
    Last edited: Feb 29, 2012
  20. Mark Kane

    Mark Kane Silver Supporting Member

    Jan 4, 2002
    Fort Pierce

    couldn't have said that better myself, it's all there. We hit 40 years last august and the first third or so of that I was playing/traveling full time. We made a vow and have managed to hold to it. Like getting old, be married for life ain't for sissies.

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