Leaving The Live Music Game?

mikendzel

Member
Messages
899
I swore I would never do this, but it's looking like it's time to hang it up. The amount of time away from my family (I was single when I joined the band in 2004) is getting to be a hassle, and it would be an understatement to say that my wife doesn't appreciate it. The band is what I would consider VERY successful (extremely high demand, and high paying shows) and we have great line up with zero egos, hence the longevity; I really don't want to walk away from the band. I guess this is the proverbial, you can't have your cake and eat it too.

Anybody else successfully "transition?!" :p

I'm not even sure when I would even get to play at home. My wife phased out my "music rooms," when we moved to our current house, and I sold off a few amps, and 6 guitars.
 

mikendzel

Member
Messages
899
Just don't let the boss's decision about your career turn into a little ball of resentment you carry around forever
I'm trying to come up with a plan that will hopefully avoid that. Stuff like:
- possibly reserving 1 weekend a month, May-Sept, where I can play shows
- I get one room back in the current house (our boys like to bunk together, so we now have a guest room and and unused bedroom; unfortunately they're both 15' away from the boys' bedroom, so no loud playing!)
 

derekd

Supporting Member
Messages
41,492
Yep, I did it when we started having kids. Left a successful band that was 50-50 covers/originals. My role as a husband and father has always been more important than my role as a musician. Kept up my playing a bit by doing it at home and church while they were young. Wrote and sang them silly songs all the time. They each took a swing at becoming musicians but none stuck.

Once they hit the teens and started doing their own thing, I dove back in, studied jazz and started gigging again. Your kids will only be young once. There will always be other bands. Maybe not as cool as the one you are in, but family always takes priority, imo.

I wish you luck with the process.
 

Wyatt Martin

Member
Messages
2,121
It's a tough row to hoe. When I'm not playing out I miss it. When I am playing out I miss what I could be getting done at home. But in the end if Mama ain't happy nobody's happy.

Your decision would be a lot easier if the gigs were becoming more and more infrequent. However is it possible the other guys are wanting to stop too but nobody wants to be the first to walk the plank? I'd seek out the member you're closest to and have a talk.

Or maybe if you guys cut back on the amount of gigs you're playing maybe you reach a happy medium with the band and your wife.
 

stimpson

Member
Messages
1,672
transition ?

i still have a lot of guitars, sold three of them last year. one of them to finance a much needed vacation to VT

now we have two kids and i rarely play guitar. havent been in a studio since last year. TBH i dont miss the late nights playing to bars full of drunk idiots and scenesters
 

Mayfield

Silver Supporting Member
Messages
1,416
Just don't let the boss's decision about your career turn into a little ball of resentment you carry around forever
THIS! I understand the situation completely. I would also say she married you as a musician and that this is part of your life. So I do think trying to find a happy medium is a good thing. I made the choice to walk away for a decade. No pressure from my wife, but life, work, kids, etc became the focus. When I got back into it, I hated that I lost a decade. No resentment, as I owned that decision. But I share this as it takes a while to build a good situation with a band and to walk away for any other reason than you are bored, don't enjoy it etc could be something you kick yourself for down the road.
 

BigSB

Member
Messages
1,586
Did she marry a musician, or a person with music as a hobby that just happened to blossom into something that demands more time than you both anticipated?

I ask in all seriousness, because my wife married a musician who was starting to make decent inroads into some level of success, but I walked away years ago out of a misplaced sense of responsibility towards a traditionally "stable" relationship.

If you were on your way to this level when you got married, or this thing grew organically parallel to your marriage, then her unhappiness needs to be the subject of discussion, not the grounds for quitting.
 

BigSB

Member
Messages
1,586
The amount of time away from my family (I was single when I joined the band in 2004) is getting to be a hassle, and it would be an understatement to say that my wife doesn't appreciate it...
A hassle to whom? Her, you, both? Is it a hassle because it's what you want to do, but she feels burdened, or do you feel like you're individually forced to choose between band and home?

Just wondering if you feel conflicted yourself, or feel obligated to feel conflicted.
 

tiktok

Supporting Member
Messages
22,412
Home should have a "study" where you can play music and do things with some privacy.

I'd suggest you embrace music types that work with your availability and circumstances--such as home recording and/or acoustic music where you don't have to have loud rehearsals in your home or travel to rehearsal studio with a bunch of gear. Find some low key acoustic type gigs to play every month or two and enjoy your raising-the-kids period.
 

tycobb73

Supporting Member
Messages
1,351
I picked it up again as my wife was pregnant with our first child. Practice at night after kids went to bed. Shows are at times when kids are sleeping. I didn't see it as too difficult. Didn't get much sleep Saturday night but so what. If it's important to you you will find the time. It's getting a little harder now that my daughter has her own events but a good time to have band practice is when the wife and daughter are at cheer practice.
 

major-minor

Member
Messages
2,563
My wife and 12 yr old daughter have absolutely ZERO interest in my music hobby. NONE.

They don't put the cabosh on it because they know I love it, and have been doing it my entire life.

If my wife insisted that I stop, or not practice etc. , I'm afraid we would have to have a discussion as to why she said "yes". I would absolutely resent her/them for it.

Call me self-centered.
 

Drak

Member
Messages
5,061
She'll leave you only after she's thoroughly destroyed what makes you you.
Slowly, piece by piece.

Well, someone had to say it...:eek:

I hope its not true, but it does go that way if you aren't living in awareness of the Big Picture sometimes.
Best to you, hope it works out.
 

rwijaya

Member
Messages
2,596
My wife and 12 yr old daughter have absolutely ZERO interest in my music hobby. NONE.

They don't put the cabosh on it because they know I love it, and have been doing it my entire life.

If my wife insisted that I stop, or not practice etc. , I'm afraid we would have to have a discussion as to why she said "yes". I would absolutely resent her/them for it.

Call me self-centered.
my wife is the same way, she loves me enough I guess to let me keep my hobbies around the house. she even gifted me a strat that become my main strat, among my main tele, my main les paul, my main hollowbody, my main . . . . . . . . .
 

rumbletone

Silver Supporting Member
Messages
6,588
My wife and 12 yr old daughter have absolutely ZERO interest in my music hobby. NONE.

They don't put the cabosh on it because they know I love it, and have been doing it my entire life.

If my wife insisted that I stop, or not practice etc. , I'm afraid we would have to have a discussion as to why she said "yes". I would absolutely resent her/them for it.

Call me self-centered.
It’s not self-centered. IME everyone needs ‘me time’.

My wife runs or attends yoga class every day, and attends events with her friends, etc. I play in bands and build gear. We support each other having our own interests, and take the opportunity for one of us to then spend time with the kids without the other - “movie night with dad!”, “girls only dinner with mommy!”. We also sometimes take vacations apart from the family - my wife just got back from 2 weeks’ hiking in Patagonia with her friend, and it was a good opportunity for me to bond with the kids without mommy around. I’ll head out of town for the weekend for gigs or other events. Never been an issue for either of us.
 

stevel

Member
Messages
14,474
I swore I would never do this, but it's looking like it's time to hang it up. The amount of time away from my family (I was single when I joined the band in 2004) is getting to be a hassle, and it would be an understatement to say that my wife doesn't appreciate it. The band is what I would consider VERY successful (extremely high demand, and high paying shows) and we have great line up with zero egos, hence the longevity; I really don't want to walk away from the band. I guess this is the proverbial, you can't have your cake and eat it too.

Anybody else successfully "transition?!" :p

I'm not even sure when I would even get to play at home. My wife phased out my "music rooms," when we moved to our current house, and I sold off a few amps, and 6 guitars.
A.S.S.

Abusive Spouse Syndrome.

You're a victim.

It's a shallow person that asks you to make a choice between to prove what/who you love the most, and jealous behavior. It's indicative of an issue.

You have to decide whether or not you can live with that issue. Some people are OK with. Some are not. I suppose it depends on how good it is. Usually, it's not that good. But neither are the bands.

I did it. I stopped playing regularly (4 nights a week, some travel, good money, while working 3 other jobs that really saved us) when my youngest was born.

But, the kids are 15 and 18 now, and I've been playing more and more regularly now that they're old enough to be left alone. When they were 5 and 8, I'd have to arrange someone to care for them, and could only gig after I picked them up from school and could take them to a sitter when necessary (before my wife got home from work). But at some point, I had to break the cycle and every time "you don't really want/need to play that much do you" I answered "yes I do" rather than continue to enable that behavior. As the kids got older, the excuses dwindled, so I'm back to playing any time I want to, but I'm also older and wiser, and only play for really good money and the more I play, the more money I demand. I don't go out for 100 bucks anymore, nor will I play 2 nights a weekend unless it's 200+ each night.

It also depends on your situation though. Are you working full time and are gone from 6 AM to 6 PM daily? Or are you a "house husband"? Those things can come into play.

You'll have to figure out the balance. But, YOU need to figure out what's best for you and your family, WITH THE SUPPORT of your spouse and family. If someone else is dictating it to you, that's not a good thing.
 




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