Leaving The Live Music Game?

Discussion in 'The Sound Hound Lounge' started by mikendzel, May 31, 2019.

  1. Sean French

    Sean French Supporting Member

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    She doesn't like you playing in a band. Time away from the family is her excuse. She means her. I'm betting it's her insecurities that are the main influence of said stance. I could be wrong. :rolleyes:
    Then you state that she phased out your music rooms in the new home. Rooms , as in more than one?
    Why don't you have a space in your own home?

    I'm taking her actions as she feels she can/has exterminated "the threat".

    There are only two choices.
    Live with or live without .
    None of us can help you with that decision.
     
    Last edited: May 31, 2019
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  2. edwarddavis

    edwarddavis Supporting Member

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    Sounds like a great gig
    Dump the wife
    You should be able to enjoy what you like
     
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  3. Talktomehudson

    Talktomehudson Member

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  4. takmagic

    takmagic Member

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    I think this is your answer. I walked away from a similar band earlier this year, however, after 10 years of being out of the area every weekend and a few other things, I had enough. *That* is when you leave...IMHO.
     
  5. uitar99

    uitar99 Member

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    Can't comment on someone's relationship...but...is your band income important to the household? mortgage or food or rent, whatever? This is no different than having a evening and weekend job (real estate) and giving up the income.

    How do you replace it?

    If your committed to the relationship, talk to her about what you posted.
     
  6. amstrtatnut

    amstrtatnut Member

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    Happy wife, happy life!!!!

    That said, maybe there is some middle ground where she will still be happy.
     
  7. jens5

    jens5 Silver Supporting Member

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    After 3 marriages and several other relationships, I also had to walk away from full time playing and touring. Any of my relationships were due to me being a musician, though my immaturity and non constructive ego at the time were certainly contributing, destructive factors. I'm older now and finally found the someone who put my head on strait. Had to walk away from a very successful band as well. I still play out and teach but only locally and enjoy a steady relationship. Anyway, that's how I transitioned.
     
  8. Oriondk

    Oriondk Member

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    I have a couple of questions. You say the band is high demand. How many days a week/month do you play out? Does travel out of the area come into it? What about the income from the band? Would your finances take a big hit?
     
  9. drewl

    drewl Member

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    Dang.
    You get paid, right?
    Would your wife be mad if you had a 2nd job?

    I make money playing ( not alot, but it's still money) and it doesn't take time away from the family since gigs are mostly at night when the family is asleep!
     
  10. GerryJ

    GerryJ Member

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    You left out the rest of that video......;)

     
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  11. GerryJ

    GerryJ Member

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    For quite awhile I stopped being in bands, but I never stopped playing/woodshedding, so when the opportunity came back later (kids well into high school) I was able to play with other people fairly easily- but it was/is 'dad band' - youth is long gone. But the music quality is actually better now.
    Now if it's the 'scene' that you'll miss, the commaradarie, audience, party.... that's a different compromise and goal.
    Good luck either way; although luck has nothing to do with it.
     
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  12. 2HBStrat

    2HBStrat Member

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    Right there is your answer...in your own words!
    Jeez, dude, do you have to leave your b@ll$ at home when you leave the house?...JK...not really, tho...:confused::D
    OP, did you meet your now wife when you were gigging in the band? Just curious!
    Very possible...When she takes away everything that makes you YOU then she's find out that she doesn't like what's left!
    (I don't sound jaded, do I?:D)
    I agree. If I was married and my wife made me quit playing, like a music or me choice, I would resent her not matter what choice I made...
     
  13. BlueRiff

    BlueRiff Member

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    OP - you must prioritize important things realistically taking into account your family as well. Ask yourself what is most important taking the long view and act accordingly. That’s all you can do. No one here can tell whether your wife is determined to snuff your your music or simply wanting you around more with the family. It’s notable that it seems you guys are tag teaming with the kids vs being together with them for convenience. Be careful of doing that a lot speaking from personal experience - it will impact you and your kids. Sounds like you both have some compromising to do. Good luck.
     
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  14. ZeyerGTR

    ZeyerGTR Member

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    That's good to hear I'm pretty much in that boat. My wife and I stopped doing gigs when our son was born, but even though I have way less free time I've actually practiced way more. I'm 10x the musician I was when I had all the time in the world. I'm hoping when my son is older and more independent I'll be able to get back to playing with other people. For now, I'm happy to learn and grow, and do an informal jam a few times a year.
     
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  15. ddeand

    ddeand Member

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    Having read through the OP's dilemma and the comments about the issue, it made me reflect on a few things that have evolved during my two marriages. The first thing that came to mind is that both you (the OP) and your wife are most likely different people than you were 15 years ago when you first married. By this time, you both should know what elements of each other's life is important to them. Obviously, your wife needs you around more (and that could be for a lot of reasons). Maybe she feels more responsibility for raising the family, doing the household chores and the more mundane aspects of being married. Perhaps she feels that the attention and time you give to the band are excessive in relation to the time and attention you give to her - all that would cause resentment on her part. Or maybe you haven't evolved/matured at the same rate as her and need the band as an excuse to maintain your individuality. (This was my case during my first 15-year long marriage.) And while I agree that giving up your music (and the space where you can enjoy it) may be too much to ask, perhaps altering your approach to your music is an idea whose time has come. The thing is, the manner in which you and your wife move forward needs to proceed in a sensitive fashion where you both express your present needs and visions of the future. I absolutely agree that a musician should have a room (if possible) to play and practice their craft - that should not be negotiable if it is important to you. By the same token, she should be able to express the things that she feels she absolutely needs with a confidence that you will help her achieve them. If that means quitting the band, then maybe you bite the bullet and quit for now. I've found that so much of making a successful relationship depends on honest negotiations as well as taking into consideration the needs of my wife. It's OK for each of you to have some things that are non-negotiable. Mostly, it boils down to deciding whether you have a need to only fulfill your desires, acquiesce and fulfill only your wife's desires (which will only create massive resentment in you and is perhaps what she is feeling now), or compromise with a solution that allows you to both move on (and forward) and spend more time as a family. When the kids are older (as many have suggested), you can re-evaluate and proceed. I can almost guarantee that your perspective will be different as you age. If I were in your situation, I would maybe take the following steps:
    • Decide whether the band or the family is most important to your own self/identity
    • Discuss with the missus what her needs are and why she needs you to quit the band at this point
    • If quitting the band is imminent, determine what you require to maintain your musical needs (music room, special gear to play quietly)
    • Determine if there is a much less impactful way of playing out (small, solo coffee-house gigs, one night a month gigs) with which she'd be more comfortable
    • Maybe a plan to start bringing the whole family into your love for music and for playing
    It seems as if you're at a pretty serious juncture in your life that is going to be dependent on whether you define yourself by your past or whether you begin to create a different "you". If you were making the choice in a vacuum, it would be much easier. But you chose to marry and have a family, so the path forward is not solely about your desires and needs, and in the end, there has to be some compromise. But one way or the other, a phase of your past life will come to an end. Good luck!
     
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  16. Bluzeboy

    Bluzeboy Member

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    Yeah thats some brilliant advice right there.. dump the wife AND the kids AND everything you’ve worked for for the last x years with them..
    it’s FINE.. There are plenty of bridges you can sleep under after your done with child support and alimony.
     
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  17. macrofor

    macrofor Macro Silver Supporting Member

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    Let’s turn it around. Let’s say you were the primary parental figure, held a part time job, but did most of the work to keep the home together, and your wife was experiencing relative local/regional success doing her craft. She started dancing and doing ballet at a young age and has become very good, even enough to make a modest salary as a dancer in a touring theater group. This is at the core of who she is and the business and people who are a part of it have a professional and healthy environment - there is even a chance things could get better....

    But she’s away a lot, you’re single parenting, and miss doing it together. You want mom around for the kids.

    Would you reclaim a small room in the house that she used to practice in, while she’s away, w/o talking first?

    Would you ask her to leave the theater group and stop dancing professionally?
     
  18. Oriondk

    Oriondk Member

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    Probably the best advice on this thread.
     
  19. lp_bruce

    lp_bruce Member

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    More or less what I did. I never stopped gigging entirely, but I pulled it way back when my son came along (only one band and only 5 or 6 gigs a year). Because being an active father was more important to me than gigging most weekends. For me, it was an easy call--I didn't even give it much thought. Once he became more self-sufficient I got more active again.
     
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  20. mikendzel

    mikendzel Member

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    I've backed the playing schedule down to 35 shows from April to October; we could easily (and have) done twice that in the same time frame. We cut exclusivity deals with a couple of our venues where we don't play other places and get paid very well. One of the other guys wanted to back off a bit as well.

    All of our venues are either at the beach (90 minutes away) or on the bay (40 minutes away). When I play at the beach, I'm gone from noon until 11:00pm; so I basically miss the whole day with my family.

    The pay in the band is good, but I have a pretty good income from my job, the band money doesn't really move the needle.
     
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