Leaving The Live Music Game?

Discussion in 'The Sound Hound Lounge' started by mikendzel, May 31, 2019.

  1. mikendzel

    mikendzel Member

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    Location:
    Easton, MD
    I think maybe my OP lent itself to being misconstrued. I didn't give enough info for this turn into a relationship thread!

    - My wife and I both work full time.
    - We both make good money. I make more, but she still makes really good money.
    - We got together in 2010, and at the time I was playing 80+ shows per year, snowboarding, golfing, racing motorcycles, playing soccer, and coaching high school sports.
    - The band is not important to my finances any more, and I'm not writing songs and trying to "make it big."
    - My kids are 7 & 3. The 3 year old is an animal.
    - I get the kids ready for school, make their lunches, give them baths, and read to them before putting them to bed.
    - I help my 7 year old with his homework.
    - I make dinner half the time
    - She does NOT do my laundry!
    - The reason for music room loss is more that our new house simply doesn't have room for one where I can actually play with an amplifier on. Our other houses had plenty of room, AND were closer to my office so I could play at lunch!
    - I don't want to miss a large portion of my kids' childhoods either. I've already dramatically reduced the amount of shows we play.

    *** To complicate the entire scenario, we had a daughter between the 2 boys, who only survived for about 15-20 minutes after being born (my wife's water broke in the 20th week of gestation, and her body went into labor) and my wife hasn't been the same since. I don't say this for a pity party, just I see a lot of relationship advice being typed here, and I think this is important information, if you're really going to have anything pertinent to say!

    I'm not looking for relationship advice with this, although I could probably use it; I am more looking for people with similar experiences of changing your involvement with music, and where/what/how/when you were able to find happiness and stay involved, anything you'd have done differently, etc....
     
    Drak likes this.
  2. Teleking

    Teleking Supporting Member

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    You didn’t have “the talk” and now you’re paying for it. Let this be a lesson for all those unmarried. Have the talk early in the relationship and all of this will be avoided.

    Plenty of musicians balance a successful marriage, fatherhood and their passion. You just need to have the talk early so they cannot complain when the reality hits.
     
  3. Teleking

    Teleking Supporting Member

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    I just read this after posting, but my advice wouldn't be any different.

    Look at all you've given up already, I assume. Snowboard, golfing, racing motorcycles, playing soccer, coaching. That's a lot to give up. I don't believe people are truly happy if they feel such a burden and responsibility to their family that they don't carve out any time for themselves. My Dad did that, and I thank him for his commitment to his family, but he died at 72. I'd rather him be around.

    My situation, and many here responding, are likely in the same situation as you. I do most of the laundry, actually, and I make all the dinners because my wife hates cooking. She cleans. Most of us have kids, some probably more than you.

    My deepest and sincere sympathy on the loss of your daughter. That had to be very traumatic for both you and your wife. Maybe she is angry about that and taking it out on you? Maybe she needs to see someone about that?

    I think what people are suggesting is that if you love music so much, your wife should understand that and allow time for you to do that. My point about the talk is important because I had a similar situation. I had a very serious relationship before my wife and she hated it. We broke up because of it. I told my current wife early on that this is me, it's what I do. It's what makes me the happiest. It's how I relax and unwind. I told her I'd be very unhappy and not someone you want to be around if I couldn't play. She was going to have to accept it or it's time to move on. Never had a problem since, although if I started playing both weekend nights every weekend, she'd probably say something, and rightfully so. The funny thing is, when I don't have a band she's always pushing me to find one as I get grumpy. ha!

    I know a lot of wives use this as a way to try to control their husbands. I've played with more than a few guys with that situation and I feel sorry for them. I'm not suggesting your wife is such a person. But, I do know if you had the talk early and discussed this ahead of time and there was a real understanding by both parties, then there would be no reason to complain.

    Of course, it's certainly flexible, and we as men need to be cognizant of situations. If there is something more pressing, you have to take care of your responsibilities as a Dad and husband, but it doesn't sound like there is anything really important that needs your attention other than your wife wishes you didn't play.

    To me, that's just wrong to ask someone to do that, but to each their own.
     
    mikendzel likes this.
  4. mikendzel

    mikendzel Member

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    Location:
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    I appreciate your post! I am part of the equation as well though, I actually miss my boys when I'm gone, and while the band is a fantastic outlet for musicality (we jam a lot of the tunes, and the keyboardist and myself have a lot of room to experiment) it has grown long in the tooth for me. I also quit playing with the country artist because the gig changed a bit and went from playing a lot of his originals (which I loved!) to doing more cover-oriented shows.

    My biggest issue is trying to make sure I don't regret walking away period. As of right now, I had a talk with the guys in my band, and they're onboard with a reduced schedule, particularly if we can get paid more. The other lead singer/bass player has stopped doing his solo acoustic gigs too. The drummer and the keyboardist are slightly different, the drummer doesn't mind the current schedule, and the keyboardist is actually starting to play with other bands/his wife who is a singer. Neither has kids.

    It looks like playing 1 weekend per month is going to be the ticket, my wife actually said she didn't mind 2 weekends a month. I'm going with 1 weekend per month for next year, and maybe a Helix/ElevenRack will get me going at home?
     
    Drak and rusty like this.
  5. Oriondk

    Oriondk Member

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    It sounds like you have things worked out pretty well. Good.
    I’m sorry you lost your daughter. Truly sad!
    Some counseling might be a good idea for the both of you. Good luck.
     

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