My Wife And I Are Adopting. Anyone Else Here Done The Same?

Discussion in 'The Pub' started by doublea, May 18, 2015.

  1. doublea

    doublea Member

    Jun 15, 2005
    Raleigh, NC
    My wife and I have decided to adopt a child from another country and I was curious how many members here have adopted their child(ren) either domestic or international and what your experience was like?

    We have struggled with infertility for nearly five years and pursued all of the traditional avenues medically to have a baby, including IVF. After four years of unsuccessful treatments, we made the decision to forego further infertility treatments and move forward with adopting. I am not at liberty to share the specific country on the Internet due to the agency agreement, but I can say that it's a country in Central America.

    Both my wife and I share a great deal of admiration for Hispanic culture so this is more then just traveling to a foreign country just to pickup a kid, if that makes sense. We are both working to learn to speak Spanish and keeping the culture apart of the child's life is something we are committed to. That said, being able to provide opportunity and the cliche "American Dream" for a child in need is an important part of this for me personally.

    I would also like to share our fundraiser website and donation page for any members that may want to help out a fellow TGP member. We are using an IRS approved charitible organization and all donations are tax deductible. International adoption is a long and costly process, but we are confident it will all be worth it in the end. Also, any advice for those have had a similar journey to becoming parents is welcomed. Thanks in advance for sharing your story and/or helping our cause.
    Last edited: May 18, 2015
  2. Dotneck

    Dotneck Member

    Sep 20, 2004
    Raleigh, North Carolina
    I have many mixed feelings about international adoptions....

    It used to be you had to have lots of money for an international adoption...good idea to do an on-line fundraiser...
  3. yucatown

    yucatown Theory-free noodling enthusiast Gold Supporting Member

    Nov 16, 2008
    Tampa, FL
    We adopted our daughter when she was three days old domestically. She's now 5 and the best thing in my life. We were in an international adoption program with Gladney for two years before we pulled the plug and decided to go domestic. Pm me if you'd like to talk more.
  4. grill

    grill Member

    Nov 23, 2006
    hong kong
    good for you guys!!

    present wife and i didn't want kids. i have 1 and we have plenty of nieces and nephews to dote on.

    we adopt dogs. we are old.

    too many unwanted children in the world. good on anyone to do that.
  5. ford

    ford Staff Member Gold Supporting Member

    Oct 4, 2006
    south of Houston, TX
    My brother and sister in law adopted and its been a blessing for them. Elizabeth (Lizzie) is a cool little girl who just turned five.
  6. bluwoodsman

    bluwoodsman Member

    Dec 16, 2014
    Northern MN
    Good luck to you, that's quite an undertaking!

    I haven't adopted--but have a few experiences from good friends to relate.

    One of them adopted a sister and brother from Haiti. They lived in an orphanage, i think it was processed through Catholic charities.

    What happened with those kids was the Haitian folks strung them along for years. Asking for more money all the time. One of the parents was out of the picture, the other was alive and they needed permission to process the adoption. He'd change his mind every time they were close it seems. They had been down to see the kids a couple of times and had about given up. Finally the earthquake generated a call to pick up their kids in a few days.. all the red tape was cut in a few days.

    The kids were around 7 or 8 when they first started the process and didn't come to the US until 5 or 6 years later. They both had some issues by that time that likely weren't there had they been allowed to leave when much younger. One of them is pretty well adjusted now, neat kid who has a great chance to move on and thrive. The other had issues beyond easy fixes due to being allowed to rule the roost at the orphanage, and is now in and out of juvenile correctional systems. While most of it was a cry for attention, this kid stabbed someone with a pencil at school and tried to stab her adoptive mother.

    A co-worker ended up with a couple of far east asian kids who were much younger. One barely more than a year old. They were in it for one and ended up with two as well. They had some real issues for awhile, but it was much more manageable and improved within a few years.

    I don't know how you can ascertain mental health in prospective adoptees from a foreign country, but I'd sure recommend you do everything you can to try to check that out--and get them young when you have a better chance of overcoming issues they have.
  7. GGinMP

    GGinMP Supporting Member

    Apr 9, 2009
    San Francisco peninsula
    My niece was adopted from China 15 years ago. My brother is in Seattle and there was a good community of people who did the same. She's awesome, and it's been a great addition to our family. Although she was under a year old when adopted, she had some night terrors for several years. They got through it, though, and she's awesome.
  8. Redrider

    Redrider Member

    Nov 10, 2005
    Peoples Republic of California
    My wife and I adopted here in the USA and it has been an extremely positive experience. Our daughter was 8 months old when we brought her home, she is 12 now and an amazing young lady. Please do a complete check on the agency you are using, especially for an out of country adoption. Also do a little investigation into Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) it is not talked about much but is more common than you would understand in adopted children.

    I have great admiration for anyone willing to adopt. Blessings to you and your wife.
  9. Gearopenia

    Gearopenia Supporting Member

    Mar 15, 2011
    Modesto, CA
    We adopted about 3 years ago. Newborn.
    Shes a gremlin and a half. But gosh do we love her.
    Have 2 kids, only 1 by adoption. There's no difference in the love.
  10. Jiffy_Jeff

    Jiffy_Jeff Playin Tunes and Having Fun! Silver Supporting Member

    Oct 4, 2005
    Both my girls are adopted. One we took home from the hospital and the youngest was taken from a drug infested domestic violence home. At 18 months she got another chance at life. She was positive for METH when she was born and they thought she would have some developmental problems.

    Well she is a straight A student, faster than any of the boys on her soccer team and out runs them on sprints. She does have a temper (Half Mexican, Half Italian) so we deal with that every once in a while. But all around great kid.

    Our oldest is the sweetest girl you would ever meet. School grades are slipping but her social skills are good and we are helping round her out for good grades and social life. None of my kids have twitter, Facebook, instagram, etc...
  11. ToneLounge

    ToneLounge Guitar Maker Silver Supporting Member

    Jan 21, 2004
    My wife and I had two bio-daughters and as they became lovely young ladies we always wished we had a larger family - so we adopted. Four years ago we found our youngest daughter in an orphanage in Ukraine. She was 4.5 years old when we adopted her, she had been abandoned at birth because she has down syndrome. She's been home 4 years now and the smile on her face and the joy in her heart tell her story: it's hard to change the world - but you can change the world of a orphan through adoption. The love of a mom and dad, two sisters, two dogs, and a place to call home have changed her, but not as much as she has changed us. We are a better family because of it - love.
    Fendegibs likes this.
  12. Porrig

    Porrig Member

    Jun 20, 2011
    The other side of the sky
    I have no advice to offer you but I would like to wish you good luck on your endeavour. Like 'grill' said above there are too many unwanted and unloved kids in this world and anyone who can offer them a loving, caring home has my utmost respect.
  13. rowdyyates

    rowdyyates Supporting Member

    Feb 28, 2009
    Usually East Texas
    You are awesome!

    I have two close friends who have done international adoptions; one from Africa and one from Guatemala. Both were hassles, Africa in particular (when they went to pick her up they ended up being in country for six weeks). They would both tell you it was worth it, many times over. They would also both tell you if you adopt an infant internationally, don't worry about culture and language. Just raise them as your own. With an older child, it is important for you and your wife to have an understanding of language and culture, so that the transition will be easier.
  14. n9ne

    n9ne Member

    Jul 4, 2010
    Chattanooga TN
    One of my coworkers and his wife have two children they adopted from Romania years ago, when the kids were babies; their son graduated high school a couple years ago, and their daughter just graduated this year. They're a very close-knit family, and the fact that they're not genetically related has not affected the family, nor has it been a significant influence in the family's life. (As far as I know).

    Their daughter has been the quintessential teenage in sports, cheerleader, homecoming queen, etc. Their son is a nice kid, but he's socially awkward and has some emotional quirks that I'm guessing were inherited from his birth parents. Not necessarily violent or criminal tendencies...he simply has trouble dealing with pressure and tends to shut down in stressful situations, which caused problems at times. And while his dad has never said or implied it, I also get the impression that his intelligence is probably a bit below average, as well.

    One thing my co-worker mentioned about the foreign adoption experience that you rarely hear about: when you travel to another country to adopt a child....once you're there, you are 100% fully committed. The local authorities know this, and you can expect them take full advantage. Over the course of your stay (which will likely take several days or longer), you can expect to pay a variety of unexpected and unadvertised "fees" and "taxes" to various local officials and officers....which are really nothing more than bribes and payoffs. But you have absolutely no leverage ; if you want to take your child home, you have to pay these various "fees" on a near-daily basis.....fifty bucks here, a hundred bucks there. These payoffs can end up adding hundreds or even thousands of dollars to your travel expenses.....but what are you gonna do? Either you pay them, or you're going home empty-handed. You just accept it as a cost of doing business and move on.

    Again, this was in Romania....and it may be that other parts of the world aren't quite as corrupt in their operations. But I wouldn't bet on it.
  15. MERKS

    MERKS Supporting Member

    Feb 19, 2010
    Muncie, IN
    My wife and I (ages 52/53) adopted both our daughters from China. Milana, who is now 12, was brought home when she was 11 months old and Micah, now 10, came home with us when she was 10 months old. They are both wonderful children and well adjusted but as mentioned earlier, we had to work through some attachment issues with mom. It was very heart breaking to see them rejecting mom and immediately bonding with me. It took several years for the girls to trust their mother. It's a beautiful thing to sit back now and watch the girls interacting with their mom, who is a wonderful person and caring mother. Love and patience will take you a long way.

    We lost touch with most of the families we meet on our first trip to China. Our second trip has produced enduring friendships. We stay in touch with the other families via Facebook, email and phone calls. Plus, we all get together every two years for a one week reunion. Each family takes a turn planning and organizing the reunion. It is a wonderful experience and it is good for our girls to stay in touch with the other adopted daughters from China.

    Finally, be aware there are some very insensitive people out there who will ask some pretty ignorant questions. To name a couple:

    1). One lady came up to me in the mall and with both my girls, probably 4 and 6 at the time, standing next to me, asked how much they cost? Wow! Initially I was stunned. Then I just looked at her and said, if you are inquiring as to cost of processing an adoption I suggest you look into it for yourself. Concerning my children, they are both priceless and were gifted to me and my wife by God.

    2). Another couple asked me what I had against domestic adoption. They wanted to know why, with so many available children here in the U.S.A.,would we go out of country? Again, with both my girls standing next to me. I looked at them for a moment and asked how many children they have adopted. They looked annoyed at my question and left murmuring to themselves about the rudeness of my reply.

    Adopting our children is the way my wife and I chose to build our family. We are so blessed to have them and I encourage you to move forward. Be strong, patient and do your homework. May God bless you and your family.

  16. DustyRhodesJr

    DustyRhodesJr Supporting Member

    Apr 16, 2011

    Wow, that is unbelievable.

    Reminds me of this George Carlin thing from years past.

  17. chrisr777

    chrisr777 Member

    Jan 30, 2007
    Lost in Hollywood
    I have five adopted nieces and nephews. Two are from China and are not really nieces but were adopted by my sister's best friend and consider me an uncle. One of the girls from China was severely handicapped with an underdeveloped arm and spinal problems. She received medical help here that she never would have had in her home country. Both girls from China are doing well. The one I spoke of is in middle school while her older sister is graduating with honors from High School next month. My little sister adopted a five year old girl whose mother was drug addict. She has grown and is now 22 and going to college. My sister, for some insane reason, decided to go through it again. A few months ago she adopted two boys. They are brothers. One is 12 and the other is about to turn two. I say insane, because I was thrilled to have my kids grown and out on their own so I could do some of the things I put off while they were young. She has never been married and will now be pushing 70 by the time her youngest is grown. It is great that she has enough love in her heart to do it and it is making her very happy. But I couldn't go through it again.
  18. sundog964

    sundog964 Supporting Member

    Feb 2, 2015
    We adopted our Daughter from Indiana 6 years ago. She is wonderful, and every bit as much my daughter as my 24 yr old genetic Daughter.

    We went through the same infertility stuff, and got very frustrated, and felt like we were just being used as cash cows by the Doctors. They know you are depending on this.

    We did a whole lot of research on international versus domestic, and chose domestic mainly for my wife's personal reasons/fears.

    We also have many friends that have adopted, from foster adopt, to domestic, to international. We have seen no problems with any of the kids other than the normal bell curve distribution of behavioral issues associated with kids.

    It is not for the timid. It is very expensive, we spent well over 50K, and the system seems to fight you at every turn. My advice is to get attached to a well recommended and connected advocate that will handle many of the things for you.

    For us, the biggest issue was putting together a "brochure" that was used to promote us as adoptive parents to the Birth Mothers. It took a month for us to put it together, and used a lot of time and resources.

    If you have any questions I'd be happy to talk via PM or email.
  19. rkymtnhi

    rkymtnhi Member

    Mar 21, 2005
    My wife and I adopted our son domestically. His adoption is an amazing set of miracles--the lawyers involved cautioned us that 3 out of 4 times a similar types of adoptions fail. His birth mother, brothers and sister remain close to our family. We plan on taking some vacation time and visiting them again this summer.

    Our path to adoption was totally unconventional. We had been down the infertility path, arrived at the IVF crossroads, and had opted to sign up with an adoption agency. Two years and $10K of loss later, the adoption agency abandoned us in an extremely hurtful way. We returned to the medical option, but no longer could afford the IVF gamble. After 9 years of pain and disillusioned, we abandoned hope for ever having children. We began to get some marital counseling to patch up the wounds and move on with life. As we reached acceptance and closure, we got an unexpected call from a family friend. She is good friends with a woman who mentors an amazing mother--a mother who needed help and was asking to help her locate a family for her unborn child... I'll spare you the details, but the path to bringing our son into our home had a lot of twists and turns, crazy legal realities, unexpected obstacles, a sovereign court system, and the danger of everything going south at any moment and breaking our hearts/marriage/faith/and finances. Two years later, I still couldn't tell you where the money came from, or how it all worked out. What I can say is that adoption is the best thing we have ever done--and we would love to do it again.
    Feel free to reach out via PM if you want details--I'll give my phone number and would be happy to fill in gaps in the story and answer any questions you may have about our family's adoption experience.
  20. Frankee

    Frankee Wartime Consigliere

    Jan 31, 2008
    Santo Poco
    Yes, our 8.
    I can't imagine our lives without her, and I don't want to.

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