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So my wife is moving out (gig related)

Discussion in 'The Sound Hound Lounge' started by supergenius365, Feb 9, 2019.

  1. supergenius365

    supergenius365 Silver Supporting Member

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    After 25 years, my wife has decided she doesn’t want to be married to me (or anyone else she claims). It’s (allegedly) “not me” and there is/was “nothing I have done or could do” to change her from reaching this point in her life. I loved that woman madly and probably always will. I have had almost 3 months, though, to process it and have come to accept it. I am at a good spot in my life now and am looking forward to the second half of my life.

    She is moving out on the day of the biggest gig so far for my band. It is not a do or die situation (we are four 50 year old dads with families and jobs) but it could be a bit of a launching pad or establishing gig as it is at a pretty popular venue.

    I am singer and lead guitarist for our band. Much of the “show” depends upon me and my performance. Despite my home life situation, all I keep thinking about is how the emotion of THAT day will affect my ability to put on a show. At various practices I have channeled the emotion to play and sing amazingly. Other rehearsals have been a little lack luster on my part because of being sad. The rehearsal when she told me what day she was moving out was incredible and I was “on fire” according to my band mates.

    I know Springsteen said he used to play those powerful 4 hour gigs to try and exhaust his internal demons. I’m hoping I can get into that frame of mind.

    Maybe this post has no point. I just find it strange that my MAIN concern about my wife moving out is how it will affect our show. Thanks for reading this far

    Peace
    J
     
  2. rizla

    rizla Member

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    Good on you for moving quickly through the process. Looks like you have your priorities sorted.
     
  3. jim lavender

    jim lavender Member

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    Sorry you're having to go through this. Stay positive and God Bless.
     
  4. mixwiz

    mixwiz Member

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    I find it strange as well and you're likely not as far down the recovery road as you think. While every one is different, it's hard for me to believe you can get over a 25 year relationship in 3 months. The band thing sounds like a distraction which is good but I don't think you're really in touch with what's going on. I'm not trying to sound like Dr. Phil but I've been there too and it took years to work through it all. I also thought I'd recovered fairly quickly but in hindsight, I was kidding myself.
     
  5. 2HBStrat

    2HBStrat Member

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    Good luck with the show and the next phase of your personal life. I've been there and I know what you're going through...
     
  6. kevin hart

    kevin hart Supporting Member

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    After 17 years my wife came to me and told me she wanted out and I was crushed. It's not fun to go through, but it can be a new beginning in a very positive way.

    Fast forward to now and I've been with my present wife for 20 years and couldn't be happier. I often tell myself how lucky I am to have had things turn out the way that they did.

    Best of luck, my friend.
     
  7. TopDog

    TopDog "jumping the valence" Silver Supporting Member

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    Sorry to hear that. I have always found gigging and playing music to be the biggest source of comfort during distressing times. Consider yourself lucky to have that diversion.

    May ask do you have kids? My guess is you are somewhere in your mid 50's if you were married for 25 years.

    Good luck....there are lot of resources out there to help when the going gets tough.

    and, play the s**t out of your axe!
     
  8. supergenius365

    supergenius365 Silver Supporting Member

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    Thanks. I am well aware of the oddity of the situation and this I guess the point of my post.

    The 3 months has FORCED heavy reflection on my part and the sad realization that things have been mostly bad. We both listened to different podcasts (separate from each other) about what makes up a good marriage and both of us ended up feeling that ours had NONE of the characteristics mentioned in either podcast (not that podcasts are the final answer to anything, but the one I listened to was a by a well respected marriage counselor and therapist.)

    I even went to a Catholic counselor who I assumed would tell me that I shouldn’t get divorced and what I had to do to prevent it. After a 2 hour session he said “Yeah. I’m sorry, but you don’t have a marriage. Based on what you have told me, I don’t think you ever had a marriage. End it now.” That was just one of many moments of clarity to speed me to my current mindset.
     
  9. FiestaRed

    FiestaRed Gold Supporting Member

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    When one door closes, another door opens.

    It's standing out in the f***ing hallway for so long that sucks.
     
  10. SingleMalt

    SingleMalt Member

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    I'm very sorry to hear that this is happening to you. I am madly in love with my wife as well, and I know how devastated I'd be if she walked. I don't ever see that happening with her because we are so compatible and our marriage has the qualities that we both want and need. You have a choice today, and every day, to either allow this to crush you, or to decide to move forward and heal and grow. It sounds like you've chosen the latter. As you've said, channel the emotion into your music. Doing this has produced some spectacular music like Layla, for example.

    You sound like a good guy and I hope you meet a woman who appreciates that and wants to be a part of you. May God bless you.
     
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  11. ontariomaximus

    ontariomaximus Member

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    "upside down you're a brunette with bad breath"
     
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  12. supergenius365

    supergenius365 Silver Supporting Member

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    Thanks. We have four kids ranging from college to early grade school. I have been a stay at home parent since the first was born.
     
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  13. Wyatt Martin

    Wyatt Martin Member

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    I have been there more than once and thankfully I had my music to get me through. Focus on your gig and occupy yourself in your music. The temptation to go down wrong paths will be lurking at every opportunity for a while.
     
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  14. supergenius365

    supergenius365 Silver Supporting Member

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    Thanks for the kind words.

    I TOTALLY channeled that emotion in during our last rehearsal. I was even laughing during one guitar solo about how uncharacteristically well I was playing. That’s what I am hoping happens at the gig.
     
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  15. Tootone

    Tootone Member

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    Astonishingly, about 3 hours ago, I got off the phone with Bass player, almost identical life story, circumstance and "read from a text book" story from his (soon to be) ex wife. Cosmopolitan Magazine is now online, and the "story" can be downloaded from anywhere in the world, with recommended courses of action and "free" legal helpline/ambulance lawyer numbers.

    I will give you the same advice I did to my pal 3 hours ago.

    Walk away, start looking the other way now. That runaway train will hit you in the back and there is nothing you can do to change it or be ready for it. Just accept it, pick yourself up, dust off the damage and do not look back.

    You will be fine, and better off without her.
     
  16. mixwiz

    mixwiz Member

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    I'm sincerely impressed by your maturity and wish you the best. One final comment; with that level of personal insight and maturity, you must be a pretty ****** guitar player.
     
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  17. Dr Bonkers

    Dr Bonkers Vendor

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    The human mind has this great capacity to make the most challenging situations seem "normal" and ok. At least you and your spouse came to the realization that it wasn't working well.

    It's tough and a roller-coaster ride, but better days are ahead. At least now you can find more compatability with someone in the future with good times ahead .
     
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  18. FenderBigot

    FenderBigot Supporting Member

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    I have been there and know the roller coaster of emotions you currently are dealing with as well as potentially still will experience. Focus on the positive and stay IN THE MOMENT... do not get bogged down with “what if’s” at any point. They do not serve you at this phase of your life. Good luck. Feel free to PM me if you want to hear from my viewpoint (51 y/o - 15 years married, seven plus years divorced).
     
  19. madmarcus1960

    madmarcus1960 Supporting Member

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    The good news is the introspection you've afforded yourself. It could make you a better man by understanding yourself and your needs. By this I mean, what do you really want from a mate/life partner, to have all the same interests, values, etc. Just support your efforts in life, but not be a direct part of it. We all need something different.
    Keep playing music though, as it's great therapy and source to put all that emotion. It's healthy.
    You may not have asked for it, but the world is more open to you now than it was 3 months ago.
    BTW, I've been divorced twice and believe each one help my personal growth. YMMV.
    Best of luck and hang in there, unfortunately this is more common than not these days. So say the %'s
     
  20. ChampReverb

    ChampReverb Silver Supporting Member

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    I’d probably rather be playing a gig that evening than wandering around a newly vacated house ...I think.

    You might want to stay away from playing the “she’s leaving” songs that night ...or not. You never know how something might hit you out of the blue.

    There’s a lot to process but the only way to move on beyond the things you can’t change or control is to let go and find your peace.

    -bEn r.
     
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