Tips For Effective Producing

There is only one reason to become a producer, and that's to work with hot girl singers. The trick is making them think you're a genius so that they will ignore the guitar player they've been sleeping with, and think about sleeping with you instead. Let's face it, if you were really cool, you'd BE the hot guitar player, but maybe you have no talent, or you're not into guitar, or you're just too old. Well, no problem.

Producing is your salvation, my friend. No musical experience required! Remember, George Martin produced comedy records before he started working with the Beatles!

So what does a producer do, besides talk a good game? Well this is the good part: the answer is, "nothing."

It's like being a psychiatrist; all they do is nod, and say stuff like, "how did that make you feel?" or, "tell me about your mother."

All a producer does is look at the engineer and say, "What did you think of that take?" All engineers want to be producers. The engineer will tell you more than you ever wanted to know about that take. Then, ask the engineer where the talkback button is on the console. The engineer will show you.

Press the talkback button, and say to the singer, "How did you feel about that take?" The singer will say, "I think I can do it better." It doesn't matter who the singer is, singers are divas. They always think they can do it better. Then press the button again, and say, "That's what the engineer and I thought. Watch your pitch, that last one was a little pitchy." The engineer will nod.

When she finishes her take, press the talkback button (hey, you're getting the hang of this) and say, "That one was better. Think about your phrasing."

Do not end the session in time for the singer to have other plans for the evening. It's advisable to stretch the session out with comments like, "Let's listen to that one back" if it's moving along too quickly.

The singer will be tired, but she will want some food and a drink. She will be extremely anxious about her performance, and relieved if you tell her it was good. Reassure her that she has a lot of talent. Tell her she cut a hit, for sure. Look at your watch, and say, "Hey, we both need to chill out. How about some food and a drink?" She will say yes.

Get ready to score, Mr. Producer!



DISCLAIMER:

OK, someone's gonna come along and not realize that this was a joke.

Very un-PC, but a joke nonetheless. Well, you humorless studio rat, this was a joke.

 

A follow-up:

Today I was producing a young woman who is...well, she is a hot looking singer with a great voice.

So after every take, I'd say, "What'd you think of that one?" And invariably she'd say, "I can do it better." Honest to god. I laughed out loud each time, and finally she said, "What's funny, I don't get it?"

So I showed her this thread. She cracked up.

 

Before.

 

>>You must have a killer acoustic guitar case then!?! <<

Well, I used to, before I got carpal tunnel syndrome from the extra heavy strings I used to play back in the day.

 

Gary, you realize that you work in much classier situations than I do.

 

>>don't we all Les? <<

Aw, heck, yeah.

 

>>Ether way a thankless job with high Producer and Director ******** absorbtion required!<<

Sounds an awful lot like creating ad tracks, except that with ads the producer and director only THINK they are big-time film-makers.