What's the funniest thing you've ever overheard in public?

Discussion in 'The Pub' started by beatcomber, Jun 14, 2019.

  1. Fatherflot

    Fatherflot Member

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    I remember writing this down. In the Kings Arms pub in Oxford:

    He: The barbarian American hoards have invaded the Arms.
    She: Honestly, why do we even bother?
    He: It's the ales, principally
    She: Some cheek, you!
     
  2. Fatherflot

    Fatherflot Member

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    In a Philadelphia bar, about 1987 after a 6' 5" transvestite slapped a drunk college dude so hard that he fell off his bar stool: "Why don't you tell your friends you got your ass kicked by a f*ggot!!!!!"
     
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  3. davess23

    davess23 Member

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    It seems that gas often plays a prominent role in these stories. My story will just add fuel to the fire.

    This was long ago, when I was a kid, at an open-air church at summer camp. Best-timed loud fart I've ever heard in my life. It was a non-denominational service and the minister had been talking about how Native Americans communed with the Great Spirit in the natural world.

    He said something like, "And here we are, outdoors on this beautiful summer morning. Let's have a minute of silence, everyone, and listen to the wind in the trees, and the singing birds, and maybe you'll hear the Great Spirit." Immediately we all got really quiet. Sure enough, about 20 seconds into the silence this heavyset kid let rip a real buzz-saw of a fart, with plenty of volume, excellent stamina, and a rising inflection at the conclusion. It certainly sounded as if it must've been a really memorable olfactory delight, but I was far enough from the source that for me it was all about the music. Of course the place just cracked up. We were all on log benches, and kids were laughing so hard they fell off. I was laughing so hard it hurt. I've hoped for something similar at every service I've attended since, but so far no luck.
     
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  4. beatcomber

    beatcomber Member

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    Good for her/him!
     
  5. Lance

    Lance Member

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    They prefer to be referred to as, "They." Like you are addressing two people.
     
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  6. jonnytexas

    jonnytexas Supporting Member

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    So good. Thanks for sharing.
     
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  7. Lucky Jack

    Lucky Jack Member

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    As two very groovy people were parting in a Whole Foods parking lot in Santa Fe:
    "Call me, we'll meditate."
     
  8. TheGuildedAge

    TheGuildedAge Supporting Member

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    True story.

    I teach 8th grade. My first year I overheard one of my students say, "actually, it's not that bad if you just swallow it really fast."

    So much for MY innocence.
     
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  9. Fatherflot

    Fatherflot Member

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    Well, the cheeseburger chowder at our nation's middle schools is not exactly haute cuisine!
     
  10. Fatherflot

    Fatherflot Member

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    At a bar in Bogota, NJ, they had a bartender named Tommy who was kind of young Joe Pesci character. When patrons were walking out the door around closing time he'd shout: "Drive fast! Smoke in bed!"
     
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  11. Fatherflot

    Fatherflot Member

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    This guy was called "Madame Junior" and he had arms on him like LeBron James.
     
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  12. xjojox

    xjojox Tardis-dwelling wanker Gold Supporting Member

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    Had a big party with extended family for my mom’s 85th at the Parkside, a very old-school Italian restaurant in Corona, a neighborhood in Queens NY (as in “goodbye to Rosie, the queen of Corona...seeing me and Julio down by the schoolyard...”). As I’m walking in, a young woman and man are having a very tense hushed conversation in a corner.

    (Insert THICK NY accents):

    HIM: “You know I would nevah disrespect Tony!!”
    HER: “I’m just sayin’...dats what I’m hearin’...people aah tawkin’...”

    It was hard to keep a poker face...moreover I was a bit worried that the party might be punctuated by an unfortunate business transaction, but thankfully we made it through the evening without any fireworks.
     
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  13. Fatherflot

    Fatherflot Member

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    Overheard on the SF Bay Ferry between the Embarcadero and Larkspur: "Man my urine tasted really weird this morning."
     
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  14. Lance

    Lance Member

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    Reminds me of the one time I went to NY to see the Allman Bros. on their last run at the Beacon in 2013. My buddy and I wanted one of those famous NY pastrami sandwiches. We find a great place, but I can't remember the name. We were sitting at our table and the next table over had this older Jewish couple, that couldn't have been more than 4.5' tall. We over-hear the husband say more loudly, "No, my cousin Ira. The one with the big fahm up in Yonkers." It was a total Seinfeld moment, LOL!
     
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  15. _MonSTeR_

    _MonSTeR_ Member

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    In the queue to go to the observation deck at the Eiffel Tower in Paris. A question from a young man in his late teens / early 20s to his father...

    "Dad, how come we [the USA] ain't in the EU?"
     
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  16. _MonSTeR_

    _MonSTeR_ Member

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    no wait, one more...

    At the train station in Leeds (a city in the North of England), overheard in the gent's toilets from one of the stalls ...

    (Sing it with me...)

    "Oh Sh!tty you're so fine
    you're so fine
    you blow my mind
    hey Sh!tty!"

    No, they didn't do the hand claps.
     
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  17. Suave Eddie

    Suave Eddie Member

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    Ask your doctor if lobotomy is for you.
    :eek::eeks:omg
     
  18. offbeat

    offbeat Member

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    I used to manage a grocery store, and one busy day, the son of a good customer decided to give me a hug. He was about 4, and came charging up unexpectedly. Normally, I'd squat down and give him a hug, but on this particular day I didn't see him coming. He charged head-first right into my 'package'. In front of a group of ladies waiting at the meat counter. I said "Ooof" or something similar, and hobbled toward the back room in embarrassment. As I was staggering away, I heard the little boy announce to the ladies, "I hit Offbeat in the wiener!"
     
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  19. mango

    mango Member

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    One of my favourite watering hole quotes,
    One of the regular geniuses had an epiphany and proclaimed , "It's not that it's crowded in here,it's just that there are a lot of people in a small area !"
     
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  20. Mngwa

    Mngwa Member

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    Urine Alice's Restaurant


    [This has shown up in other places]
     
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